Peace, Be Still

    I was recently diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). It is a common misconception that OCD means you like things orderly and clean. That may be true for some people with this awful disease, but there are many other "themes" in OCD. The common identifier of OCD is intrusive thoughts that often spiral out of control, causing us sufferers to perform a compulsion in the hopes it will relieve the anxiety that those thoughts cause. These compulsions can manifest in many different ways, including, but not limited to; counting things, repeating a phrase over and over, researching, washing hands repeatedly and in a pattern, etc. It is different for every person. For me, most of my compulsions happen in my head, so my head is pretty much always a tornado, not just from the compulsions, but also from the bajillions of thoughts that come through my head on a daily basis.

    As such, it is very hard for me to know when God is speaking to me. Looking back, there were many times where I would decide to do something and have lots of strong feelings about it, so I thought it was guidance from God. For example, soon before I was diagnosed with OCD, I got it in my head that in order to feel all better and have all my problems solved, I needed to move far away from my home, I'm talking across the country, where I could start over completely new. I know that it makes no sense that I would think that moving far away would free me from all my burdens, but when the OCD gets going, logic is out the window. They call it the OCD loop, you get scared about something specific, so you do some compulsion to ease the anxiety because that's what your brain tells you will help. It might help for a brief moment, then the anxiety comes back and you feel the need to perform the compulsion again, so it goes around and around. Back to my story, I was so sure that was what God wanted me to do, so I started applying for jobs that sounded cool all over the country, I talked to my Bishop and told him what my plan was, but that I wasn't sure how to tell my parents, because I knew they'd try to talk me out of it. Fast forward a couple of weeks and my therapist diagnosed me with OCD. I started learning more about it, the more I learned, the more I saw how much it had impacted my decisions, my ability to handle change, and it made me realize how long I have had it and why my "generalized anxiety" seemed so much different than everyone else's.

    For those of you who don't know, I have a small sun tattoo on my right thumb. At the time I strongly believed that God had told me to get it. I don't regret getting it, but I now recognize that it was definitely OCD that convinced me to get it. Since making all sorts of connections with past behaviors of mine, I have come to not trust myself or the decisions I make. I've been scared to ask God for revelation because I figured I would misinterpret it or assume that the ideas coming to me are OCD. I've continued to listen to scriptures every night and pray at least twice daily, but I haven't really been expecting to receive guidance or direction from God. I feel the spirit pretty often and know I'm not alone, but I've struggled to believe I could ever get revelation through the spirit again.

    As my brain has calmed down a bit thanks to medication and lots of therapy, I have felt the spirit more and more. Tonight, as I knelt to pray, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love. I am thankful to be where I am now and am grateful to know that Christ understands how I feel all the time, which is often a lot to keep up with. Usually, after my nightly prayer I will listen to some of The Book of Mormon while following along, since I can concentrate better on it that way and that's my scripture study for the night. However, tonight I had the thought that I should read my patriarchal blessing, then listen to a Come Follow Me podcast. I did just that and came away with renewed understanding of how God works and loves. I wrote two things down while listening to David Butler and Grace Freeman talk about Helaman 13. First, God is not limited by what I expect to happen. Second, God is willing to do whatever it takes so I can hear Him! God tries again and again and again. He does not give up on His children, He wants each of us to know Him and to know our divine worth and destiny. I have always known that I am a beloved daughter of a Heavenly King. I know He loves me and I know that I can trust Him. Trusting myself to know what He wants me to know seems like an insurmountable task. However, trusting that God can let me know what he wants me to know, in a way that I will recognize, is definitely something I can do.


The words of Hymn #105 come to mind and seem to fit what I'm feeling perfectly,

Master, the tempest is raging!

The billows are tossing high!

The sky is o’ershadowed with blackness.

No shelter or help is nigh.

Carest thou not that we perish?

How canst thou lie asleep

When each moment so madly is threat’ning

A grave in the angry deep?


The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:

Peace, be still.

Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea

Or demons or men or whatever it be,

No waters can swallow the ship where lies

The Master of ocean and earth and skies.

They all shall sweetly obey thy will:

Peace, be still; peace, be still.

They all shall sweetly obey thy will:

Peace, peace, be still.


Master, with anguish of spirit

I bow in my grief today.

The depths of my sad heart are troubled.

Oh, waken and save, I pray!

Torrents of sin and of anguish

Sweep o’er my sinking soul,

And I perish! I perish! dear Master.

Oh, hasten and take control!


The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:

Peace, be still.

Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea

Or demons or men or whatever it be,

No waters can swallow the ship where lies

The Master of ocean and earth and skies.

They all shall sweetly obey thy will:

Peace, be still; peace, be still.

They all shall sweetly obey thy will:

Peace, peace, be still.



    I know that God knows each of us perfectly, which also means He knows how to speak to us so we will hear and understand. I am grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. I pray that each of you will also come to know of Their eternal love.


Love,

Kenzie


P.S. (I will link some info about OCD below, if you want to learn more).




OCD information

Joy Cometh in the Morning

 The last couple of months I have often been overwhelmed with gratitude. I stay up all day the majority of each week instead of sleeping half the day every day because I now have the energy and desire to do so. I exercise in various ways throughout the week, including playing basketball, my physical therapy exercises, walks, and biking. I finally graduated with my Bachelor's degree from Utah State University after 7 long years of taking classes on and off. I have done a bit of gardening in between rain storms and am going to mow the lawn for the first time in my life this weekend. On Wednesday I met with my physical therapist, who told me I have no restrictions now. I am free to exercise however I want, to run, play sports, and most importantly, kick a soccer ball. I did that tonight. As soon as my foot touched the ball to kick it back to Sophie, I screamed in pure delight and started started crying tears of joy. In that moment I knew it was all worth it. The countless trips to the Emergency Room, the many surgeries, and the years of pain all led up to that joyous moment when I stopped the soccer ball with my foot. 

Two of my favorite scriptures talk of joy. The first is found in 2 Nephi 2:23, "... having no joy, for they knew no misery..." The second is Psalm 30:5, "...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Both of these scriptures came to mind tonight as I reflected on how I wouldn't have felt that incredible happiness kicking a soccer ball if I hadn't also felt the incredible pain and misery from all the health problems that plagued me the last 6 years. I have been strengthened by the Savior countless times in my life and am never truly grateful for it until that morning of joy comes. I've thought about what I would say if someone ever asked me if I wanted to erase the last 6 years. My answer would be a resounding NO! Simply because I wouldn't be thankful, happy, or joyful now if I hadn't been frustrated, miserable, and in pain then. 

I know life going forward won't be easy, it never is, but I am thankful for a Savior who not only felt all my pain and suffering, but also all my joy. I am never truly alone and I hope you all know that you are not either!

Love,

Kenzie

Please enjoy the following video (filmed by Sophie) of me experiencing that true joy. 

I Hope You Dance

It is said that the hardest part of healing is the grieving of things and opportunities lost. I wholeheartedly agree with that. It is hard to realize that while I was laying around in loads of pain others were graduating college, going on missions, getting married, and having kids. I try not to compare myself to my peers, but because my experiences have played out so differently than most young adults my age, it is hard not to. As the years went on with almost constant pain and continuous missed moments, I became lax in my dependability and reliability. I would let my mind make up excuses for why I couldn't do this or that and probably let a lot of people down, including myself. If you are one of those people, I apologize.

As my hip continues to heal from the most recent surgery on it, I find myself searching for jobs. As I do so and get called in for interviews, I worry that those excuses my mind likes to make up will win and I won't be the person I have dreamed about being for so long. It is hard for me to believe I can be any better than I have been. My mom shared something with me, how we need to set down yesterday's burdens and go into tomorrow with a clean slate. It got me thinking about Jesus Christ, how He should be the one we give yesterday's burdens to, because He is the one that can wipe our slate clean for tomorrow. Christ is the author of our faith, the God of new beginnings. Who better to give yesterday's burden to but the man who is more than a mortal man could be, my Savior. 

Lately, I have been feeling so much gratitude to my Heavenly Father that my hip is finally feeling whole again despite the four screws currently holding it together as my bone grows back. I've felt so much renewed hope in a better future. Tonight though, all my insecurities came back or resurfaced I suppose. It is hard to think that I won't continue to have health problems pop up just when things seem to be getting better, because that is all I've known the last five years. It is hard to trust that better things really are coming, that I won't be miserable for ever. 

There are two songs I like to listen to when I am feeling pumped about my future, but also will listen to when I'm feeling scared about it. The first one is sung by Mat & Savanna Shaw. It is called "I Hope You Dance." It is about seeing the beauty in life, knowing how amazing you are, staying humble, and dancing when things get hard. The second one is by Anthem Lights called, "Who I'm Meant to Be." This song reminds me to focus on where I am now, to live life without fear, and trust the process of being me. These songs bring me so much peaceful energy. 

I am so blessed with the knowledge of my Savior, who makes new beginnings possible. I am blessed with a Heavenly Father who knows my hopes and dreams and wants me to succeed. I am also blessed with things like songs that remind me of these parts of my testimony which sometimes become hidden with pain, excuses, and self-doubt. So, if you are reading this right now, don't give up, trust in God's process, and I hope you dance.

Love,

Kenzie

Here are the links to both the songs. 

https://youtu.be/TkwzLBmTkls?si=unBX_4cLgVHILuYU

https://youtu.be/UVb8OJEQGIQ?si=KxTDg5chR0gHVmOk 

He Chose Us

 As I've been recovering from surgery I have dealt with a lot of anxiety (mostly from coming off the strong pain meds). I have mainly been worried about my future. I honestly am unsure of how to live life without constant pain and sickness. I also have so many hopes and dreams that for years have desperately pleaded for. When I get anxious like that it is so hard to feel Christ near or feel His spirit. I have wondered over and over again if God really has a plan for me and if He really cares about my hopes and dreams. 

One of the gifts I received during recovery was a book by David Butler titled, Redeemer. In it, David expounds upon the names of Christ and how He can be different for each need we may have. For example, when we need forgiveness and a chance to try again, Christ is The Hope of Israel. Anyway, as I was reading chapter four, David is discussing how Christ is with us always. He was with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego in the fiery furnace and He was with Esther as she petitioned the King for the Jews. As in Esther's story, sometimes Christ isn't mentioned directly and we may have a hard time believing He is there. That is when we need to start looking, start seeing Him with us, notice His hand in our lives, and as we do so we will recognize Him everywhere we may go. 

What really stuck out to me in this chapter and got me teary-eyed from feeling the truth of it strongly, was that Christ chose us. Christ could have been born in a castle or grand temple, but He chose to be born in a barn. In a stinky, messy, old barn. Why? Because He chose us! He meets us where we are, in our barns, our messes, and our joyful times too. 

It was such a comfort reading this. Knowing that Heavenly Father is aware of me because Christ is with me, because He chose me, because They both love me. I am going to be looking even more for the miracles Christ puts into my life, I know they are there, I just have to look for them and Him. Don't give up because you aren't seeing Christ in your life. He doesn't give us everything all the time, we need to do our part and look for Him. It is so worth the search!

Love,

Kenzie

Knowing

 It is sad to watch people you love leave the church. Something that is so important to me just isn't cutting it for them. I don't understand all the reasons, but am grateful I am someone people can trust to tell me they are leaving. I can't imagine how hard it must be for those who have grown up with the church as much part of their lives as breathing is, decide to leave it behind. So, to be someone they can trust to tell about and discuss things with, brings me great joy and I know that though it hurts to watch them believe differently then I do when what I believe brings me so much happiness, that I am doing what my Heavenly Father expects me to do in these situations. Simply love them and be there for them. My patriarchal blessing says something along the lines of my seeing many of my associates fall prey to the tempting of satan. I am not sure if that is what this is, but it hurts none the less. Of course, I encourage everyone to do what feels right for them, but I don't understand how something that has been promised to bring us happiness doesn't sit right with some people. 

I know many people say if someone leaves the church that they must not have had a strong enough testimony, they must be gay, or they didn't follow the advice and commandments of God so they weren't ready to withstand the tests of our day. I am sure that is the case for some people, but I don't think that is how it is for everyone. I can't profess to know or understand why anyone does what they do, but if they can proudly stand up and say they don't know what they believe, then I can proudly stand up and say what I do believe. 

I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who sent His eldest Son, Jesus Christ to this sin-filled Earth to bleed from every pore and die so we are not alone when we suffer and so we can repent of our mistakes. I know Christ rose the 3rd day allowing all of us to do the same some day. I know President Russell M. Nelson is the prophet that Christ has chosen to lead His church today. That is the first time I can truly say I know that rather than just believing it. In Alma 32:18 it reads, "...for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to believe, for he knoweth it." I know that my Heavenly Father and the Savior love each of us no matter our choices or beliefs, we should do the same. 

Love,

Kenzie

Grace

 In the Bible Dictionary under the word grace it says, "The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ." The song "Amazing Grace" is a beautiful description of this bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ. The words are thus,

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come
This grace that brought me safe thus far
And grace will lead me home

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright, shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we first begun

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

In the grand scheme of things, we are nothing, yet God sees us as His everything. Without Christ's sacrifice we would be lost and blind. When talking of fear, we are often told in the scriptures to fear God. Some people may take that the wrong way and view Him as a hardened king who gives us no choices. However, the way I view fearing God is different. I see fearing Him meaning we revere and worship Him. When we fear God our other fears don't matter so much anymore because we know God knows all and that He is in charge. 

I often struggle to find hope in better things ahead because health problems often get in the way of my participating in life. It is hard to believe that I will get the chance to spread my wings and experience everything I want to. I took another leave of absence this semester halfway through since I missed half of it anyway due to illnesses and other factors. I know it doesn't matter how long it takes me to graduate college, but it is still frustrating to know it will take me one semester longer. For some reason I had it in my head that once I moved to Logan and was working and going to school things would be easy peasy. Who knows where that idea came from, but boy was I wrong. It has been nothing but trial after trial since getting here and I often find myself complaining about how hard things are and wishing things were easy, even for a short time. However, if things were easy, I know I wouldn't appreciate my relationship with my Savior or Father in Heaven as much and I wouldn't know the power of God's grace. As I listened to Mat and Savanna Shaw's version of "Amazing Grace" tonight I started crying. As tears streamed down my face I realized that there would be no point to the Savior's sacrifice and His grace if life wasn't hard. There wouldn't even be a point to life if it was easy all the time. As I dried my tears I was grateful once again for a Savior who sacrificed Himself so He could show me grace even when I complain about my circumstances. I need hard things in my life, do I usually want them, no, but I need them and I need my Savior to be there with me through them cause He knows I wouldn't be where I am today without Him and I never would have gotten through my trials without His strength. 

I know tonight I re-learned why things are hard and why Christ suffered. It was for me and it was for you. It was an all encompassing, yet individual Atonement. He bled for my sins and my pains, my complaints, and my sorrows, my tears and my fears. He died FOR ME so He could extend grace when my burden is too heavy to bear alone. I hope you can all come to know how much the Savior loves each of you and understand the grace he offers you everyday. 

Love,

Kenzie

Here is the link to Mat and Savanna Shaw's version of "Amazing Grace"

https://youtu.be/ihaV8_3AuQ8 

Hope and Joy

 It is so hard in today's fallen world to feel hope and joy. The world is a mess and I often feel like one too. When trials invade our life and block out light and our goals, it is hard to remember that God doesn't want us to be miserable. Dealing with health problems again is rough, moving home again stinks, and feeling stuck again is not what I wanted. I have cried a lot of tears the last few weeks. Tears for lost opportunities, tears of pain, and tears of 'what ifs'. My prayers have not ceased, I continue to ask for hope in a better future, joy, and trust in my Savior. As I read my patriarchal blessing the other day a phrase stuck out to me as a promise from God. It said "I bless you with an abundant life, full of joy and happiness." What a blessing! It reminded me that I will not be stuck in a rut forever, I won't cry forever, and I won't have to wonder if this trial will ever end. I know that God doesn't want us to hurt, but sometimes we do, simply because we are mortal and that's okay, because God will help us through the hurt. 

Something else that helped me find hope and joy was something my mom told me. Health struggles often take away our agency, for me, I can't do much right now because of pain. We came to earth to exercise our agency, if trials sometimes take that away or limit it, that doesn't fulfill God's plan, meaning it won't last eons because we need to be able to make choices. 

Another thing that has sustained me for days now is the videos from last week's Come Follow Me for Individuals and Families. They were about the refiner's fire and trials. I don't remember much about what was said during the videos, but I am still feeling the effects of how they made me feel as we watched them as a family. I have never felt more hope than I have this past week. I have hope in a brighter future, I have hope that I can achieve my goals, and I have hope for anyone else facing similar things. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if the tunnel lasts for miles. 

The last thing that has always brought me hope and joy are the songs that Mat and Savanna Shaw sing. Since they began their music careers with "The Prayer" I have been blown away by how much I relate to many of their songs and the Spirit I feel when I listen to their music. Their three most recent pieces have touched my heart in ways I can't even explain. 

I am forever grateful for my Heavenly Parents, my Savior Jesus Christ, and the Comforter. I believe in the power of hope and the peace that power brings. Please don't give up when things get hard, that's when we can become our strongest. I love you all and pray that you may all feel the hope and joy the Savior gives. 

Love, 

Kenzie

Link to Come Follow Me videos: https://abn.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/come-follow-me-for-individuals-and-families-old-testament-2022/11?lang=eng

Link to Mat and Savanna Shaw's song "Dream Big": https://youtu.be/TCh0spUc7Rk