The Present

 Many of you know I have dealt with seemingly unexplainable pain the last 2 1/2 years. We are finally getting answers, hopefully for good this time, by getting hip surgery soon. I have had countless people tell me how strong I am and that I am amazing because of the faith I've had through the pain. What they don't see is the numberless nights of crying and pouring my heart out to God that I can just feel better. They don't see the severe anxiety I am attacked with each evening because I still do not feel better. They don't see the amount of sleep I have to get to remain semi-functional. They don't see the effects the pain has on my mental and spiritual health. They don't see the deep desires I have to be pain free so I can move on with life, go to school, have a job, date, etc. I want to live my life so bad, but many people don't see that. 

Lately, I have broken down in tears every single night like clockwork, because the anxiety is too much to bear. I thought I was just crying because I want to feel better, but as I prayed for God to help me past this mental roadblock, I realized that the root cause of my problem is that I am living too much in the future and not living at all in the present. My life has become so dull and painful that I am not noticing the good in each day. I have become too focused on my plans for after surgery and recovery and my dreams and aspirations that I feel like I don't even exist right now. As I came to that understanding, my mom talked things over with me and I came up with some goals. Not future goals, but everyday goals. Things that will help me be present in my life right now and especially look for the good. I had always believed I was an optimist, but somehow in this mess of let downs and treatment after treatment I have shifted to a pessimist. 

I know how hard it is to change my thinking, the way of life I have been dealing with for who knows how long. I hurt in my heart thinking of how negative I have come to be and feel so empty inside because I have not been filling up with goodness and gratitude which is so vital to mental well-being. I have been praying repeatedly since recognizing my problem, that God would strengthen me so that I am able to change my thinking. That Christ would lighten my burden so I know I am not alone in fighting this negativity. I pray that I can rise above this distrust that there is anything good happening in my life. I have never realized how hard it is during trials to find things that bring me joy. I ache for the happiness God has promised me and beg that He will help me find it. I cannot express the despair I feel as I face every monotonous day and importune God for relief from this physical pain. I hate not knowing when my pain will be resolved and I despise the fact that I have become so depressed thinking nothing good is going on in my life right now. I think that the only way I will get better in all aspects of my health is to be pain free. But, how will I appreciate the future good things if I cannot acknowledge the bright happenings in the present?

I don't mean for this post to attract pity or sorrow for the things I feel and experience. Instead I hope that those who are facing similar bouts of anxiety, pessimism, and pain will know that they are not alone in feeling alone. However, the only person who knows exactly what we face, every doubt that enters our mind, every frown that touches our face, and every fear that grips our heart Christ has felt. Our Savior dropped below every conceivable experience or emotion so that WE DO NOT HAVE TO FACE OUR STRUGGLES ALONE. I invite you to reach for Christ's hand and with Him, rise up. Please listen to the song linked below about rising up.

https://youtu.be/3AnzWa4AJ1w

Picture from johnhiltoniii.com

Love,

Kenzie

Disciples of Christ

 When I was younger, I was invariably confused when church leaders would talk of apostles and disciples of Christ. I always believed they were one and the same. When I look up the definition of apostle it says that they are the chief disciples of Christ. So, what or rather who, is a disciple of Christ? According to the dictionary, a disciple of Christ is anyone who follows Him. This week in Come Follow Me we were asked to look for characteristics of disciples of Christ, so I also made that my scripture study focus this week. 

The first characteristic I found was in the first chapter of 3 Nephi. In this chapter the unbelievers decide that if the sign of Christ's birth does not happen by a certain day, then they will kill all those who believe in Christ. What I pulled from this story was how disciples of Christ believe in Him even when everyone else does not and they continue to believe in Him though facing insurmountable odds. Throughout my week I noticed a common theme in attributes that disciples of Christ should practice, that was being humble, focusing on Christ, and serving God's children, which all the other virtues point back to. Think of the first characteristic I mentioned, when we are humbly focused on Christ we know that despite any trial or temptation that comes our way, Christ will reward us for doing His work and not giving up our faith in Him. 

I think what can often happen when we decide we want to try to be more like Christ is that we start noticing all our shortcomings and get overwhelmed. One distinction of a disciple of Christ I found as I studied Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf's most recent conference talk was how we do not have to be perfect to be devoted to our Savior. We just need to have a desire to increase our faith in Him and strive to draw nearer to Him everyday. Part of doing that is inviting the power of godliness into our lives by receiving priesthood ordinances and making and keeping sacred covenants (which was a characteristic of disciples of Christ found in Elder David A. Bednar's most recent conference talk).

Though being a disciple of Jesus Christ is often not easy, if we decide that we are willing to do what it takes to keep the commandments of God, our covenants, and take Christ's name upon us, we will receive the blessings God has in store for those who aim for celestial glory. God loves us and wants us to return to Him someday, but we can't if we don't try and we can't if we don't hope. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said in our most recent conference that, "We all need to believe that what we desire in righteousness can someday, someway, somehow yet be ours." I believe that God has things prepared for each one of us that we cannot comprehend, if we choose to be a stalwart disciple of our Savior Jesus Christ. 

(Picture from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints)

Love,

Kenzie

Angels on Earth

I don't know about all of you, but I am drawn to those people who put others before themselves, who go the extra mile to help someone else even if it is completely out of their way, the people who listen to promptings immediately and in so doing bless God's children immensely. I have always aspired to be one of those people, in essence I've always aspired to be like Christ. There is something about those angels on earth that makes you want to be around them, something that makes you want to be like them, and something that makes them joyful, not just happy, but joyful. The dictionary describes the word happy as feeling pleasure or contentment. When I looked up joyful in the dictionary it showed me some similar words, such as, lighthearted, radiant, gratified, and optimistic, to name a few. So, what causes these people we call blessings to be grateful, hopeful, light, and full of joy and not just happy? The answer is simply, their dedication to serving God's children. Those who serve Heavenly Father by serving their fellow-men (and women) see life in a different manner than those focused solely on themselves. That's not to say that their life is easier than others, for often times life seems harder for those trying to follow the path God has made for us. The difference is that they don't walk in the dark. As I was reading Elder Gary E. Stevenson's talk from April's 2020 general conference, I came to the part where he quotes a family friend who had battled cancer for many years. She was asked how she still has faith with all the trials she faces. She answered with these words, "Because faith is what gets me through these dark times. Having faith doesn't mean nothing bad is going to happen. Having faith allows me to believe that there will be light again. And that light will be even brighter because I have walked through the dark. The future of this life may be unknown, but my faith is not. If I choose to not have faith then I choose to only walk in darkness. because without faith, darkness is all that is left." In an earlier conference talk the speaker talked about how one woman facing health challenges felt alone and hopeless quite often until her husband recommended they find someone to serve. As her and her family served those in their ward and community (as her health allowed) she found her faith growing stronger, she felt the Savior with her more, and she had less lonely days. Service is often how we grow our faith, and I believe as we serve, it helps others grow their faith as we act on promptings that answer their prayers. Service allows us to be a light to others so they don't have to walk in the dark by themselves, it also enables Christ to give us more light so we don't walk in the darkness by ourselves either.

How grateful I am for the many people who have paused in their busy lives to minister to me. I am thankful for the gift of the Holy Ghost which stirs my heart and gives me the opportunity to be a blessing in the lives of others. I hope and pray that I will always strive to be an instrument in God's hands in touching the lives of His children and act on every good thought I receive.

Love,
Kenzie


Picture from LDS Living

Recognizing and Understanding the Spirit

I don't know about all of you, but I have the hardest time acting on the small promptings I get. The bigger ones that I can't miss, I have no problem with, but the small ones get me the majority of the time. I guess I always question if it is really the Spirit or if it is just my own thoughts. I asked a couple of my family and friends this question, "how do you have the courage and strength to listen to the small promptings you receive?" I got some great answers that really allowed me to gain a better understanding of how the Spirit works. 

One of my cousins told me how we don't need to doubt big decisions when we are doing things that invite the Spirit, like studying our scriptures, going to the temple, and doing all we can to keep God's commandments and our covenants with Him. By doing those things we are allowing Heavenly Father to speak to us. Which means we are more able to hear His promptings and our hearts are more receptive to His word. In Mosiah 3:19 it reads, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to ALL things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." She told me that because she trusts God and His plan for her, she follows every prompting she notices which means submitting to His will in ALL things. She reminded me that God is good, so every good thought comes from God. I decided, as I thought and pondered all this that from now on, whenever I get a thought or feeling that I am questioning, I will pause and ask myself these questions from President Gordon B. Hinckley (which I found in Preach My Gospel Chapter 4), "Does it persuade one to do good, to rise, to stand tall, to do the right thing, to be kind, to be generous?" If it does, then it is of God from the Holy Ghost. 

With this mindset I felt unstoppable, then remembered I am still human and am going to make mistakes. However, God does not want us to beat ourselves up over mistakes we make, yes we should feel Godly sorrow, but that doesn't mean hating ourselves for our shortcomings. We have Christ and His Atonement for a reason, so we can repent and do better with Christ's help. 

A friend of mine responded to my question telling me that he always tries to include a prayer in everything he does, that way he is seeking the Lord's help and is ready for promptings when they come. I found a couple scriptures that went right along with his insight. The first one is 2 Nephi 32:9 which reads, "But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul." The second scripture is Alma 37:36-37, "Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever. Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day." In order to be directed by the Lord, we need to first ask to be guided, second always have Him in our minds so that when promptings come we can be a blessing to others and be blessed ourselves, and third let Him know what our plans are for the day and what we want to accomplish, so that He will open up ways to serve others as we go about our day. 

I hope this helped anybody who is struggling with these same things. Life is hard and sometimes scary, but with the Lord and His perfect plan and timing for our lives we can still find joy by listening to His guidance and striving to do all He asks of us. I am so grateful that He trusts me enough to serve Him by serving His children. I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, I am so blessed to be a part of Christ's true church and am thankful for the continued guidance and understanding They both give me. The Church is true and God loves each of us.

Love,
Kenzie


Pic: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

I Surrender

I am going to start with some scriptures to introduce my topic but will be replacing a few words with words that apply more to my situation. 2 Nephi 4:18-23, 26 reads, “I am encompassed about, because of the discouragement and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my pain; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep” (In stake conference Bro. Young talked about how the wilderness is our life and the waters are the tribulations in life). To continue, “He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh. He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me. Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.” Verse 26 reads, “O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?” In Alma 36:3 it reads, "...for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day,"

            One phrase that kept coming up as I studied scriptures about trust was, praising God, “What does it mean to praise God?” When Nephi’s brothers tied him up on the boat and storms came and drove them the opposite direction that they should go it says that Nephi “did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long.” Ether 6:9 is similar saying, "And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord.". I don’t think that praising God all day long means that these people were singing “Glory, Glory Hallelujah” all their waking moments, rather I think it means that they had a quiet trust and faith that God was with them and everything will be okay whatever happens.

            In October’s conference of last year, Elder L. Todd Budge gave a talk entitled, Consistent and Resilient Trust. Consistent means occurring continuously over a period of time. Resilient means recoil or spring back into shape after bending, stretching, or compressing, meaning it doesn’t break. His talk is based around the story of the brother of Jared and him and his people’s crossing to the promised land. Some points I got from my reading of it are these, afflictions and sorrow prepare us to experience joy if we will trust in the Lord and His plan for us, we cannot cross the great deep save God prepares a way for us, the only way to make it back to Heaven is through Jesus Christ, we are not in control the only way to make it successfully through life and back to God is by trusting Him, and the wind never ceases to blow us towards God, even during our darkest trials God is guiding us towards our Heavenly home.

            Last fall as I discussed with my doctor what to do next, she gave me 2 options, between a shot and a pill. I felt prompted to choose the shot. So, I did, and things got worse from there. The shot has many side effects, each day I feel like I have the flu because of how achy I get, 3-4 days a week I feel like I’m in a dream and am unsure what is real. Because I got worse, I started researching the treatments and the disease itself and found out how much damage this shot can cause to my body and how it doesn’t actually treat the endometriosis. I found specialists who actually know the ins and outs of this disease that I am in the process of getting appointments with. If I hadn’t trusted God and listened to that prompting to try the shot I wouldn’t have researched and been guided to this option.

             I read something recently about how this lady told God she was going to date this guy, God told her no. So, she didn’t, but as time went on, she was still feeling like she was in a rut and felt prompted to date the guy that God told her no about, she ended up marrying him. She wondered why she got 2 different answers if God is an unchangeable God? She realized that when she got her first answer she could only partially see what was next, but when she got the prompting to date the guy she saw the whole picture and recognized that only God sees the whole picture all the time. If we trust Him, we will be guided to where we need to be. I had a similar experience. At the beginning of January, I felt prompted to take a couple of online classes. So, I signed up and began them. A couple weeks into the semester I felt even worse physically and mentally and knew my body and mind were not up to taking classes, I decided to take another leave of absence and after praying felt peace that it was the right decision. I was confused, like the girl in the story, I’d felt like I had received two different answers and I was questioning my ability to receive revelation. When I read her story, something clicked, and I remembered another bit of inspiration I received when I felt peace about taking the leave of absence.  I had the strong feeling accompanied by the thought that I would not need to take another leave of absence from school. If I had not begun classes I wouldn’t have needed another leave of absence and would not have received that revelation. Again, I never have the whole picture, but I know that Heavenly Father does and everything that happens and every prompting I respond to is guiding me along the path I need to take to return to him someday.

            As most of you know I served as a service missionary for a brief time last fall. When I received that revelation to serve, I was having a little bit of pain, but for the most part I was functioning normally and able to do what needed to be done. I was a missionary for exactly 2 months, but only served at my assignments for 3 weeks. As my health got worse and I was in more and more pain I started praying to know what I should do about my mission. As I was visiting one day with a friend, the thought suddenly came that I had done what God wanted me to do in my mission and to ask to be released. I was terribly confused about why I was called in the first place if I barely served for 3 weeks. When I met with President Mecham he reminded me of Abraham and Isaac’s story. The reason Abraham was asked to sacrifice Isaac and at the last moment commanded to stop, was to test Abraham and see if he would obey God no matter the cost. By serving my mission especially when it wasn’t in my plans to do so, I proved to God that I would do whatever He asked me and by placing my trust in Him and His plan for my life other learning opportunities have presented themselves.

            So, I looked up some synonyms of the word trust, it came up with the words, confidence, assurance, credit, dependence, reliance, faith, and hope. When we trust God, we have confidence that He will help us and that He loves us. In Doctrine and Covenants 82:10 it reads, "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise". Thus, we have the assurance that if we trust god by obeying His commandments and keeping our covenants, He will do as He has promised. When we give credit to God for the blessings in our lives by showing gratitude, we are putting our trust in God. When we are grateful for the rain that leads to the rainbow, we are trusting that God has better things in store for us. Elder Uchtdorf once said, “Being grateful IN our circumstances is an act of faith in God. True gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony. It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will.”

            Back to the synonyms of trust, next is dependence and reliance. Simply put, we cannot return to Heaven without Christ or our Heavenly Father. When we depend and rely on them completely, we prove we trust them to take us where we need to go. Under faith in the Bible dictionary it says, “To have faith is to have confidence in something or someone”. As said earlier, confidence is another equivalent of trust. In the True to the Faith book it says, “When times of trial come, faith can give you strength to press forward and face your hardships with courage. Even when the future seems uncertain, your faith in the Savior can give you peace.” Under hope in the True to the Faith it states that, “the word hope is sometimes misunderstood. In our everyday language, the word often has a hint of uncertainty such as hoping for a change in the weather or hoping a friend will come visit. In the language of the gospel, however, the word hope is sure, unwavering, and active. Prophets speak of having a firm and lively hope. When we have hope we trust God’s promises.” Do you remember what the definition of consistent and resilient were? Continuously stretching and never breaking in our trust in God. Or in other words, unwavering and active.

I would like to close with the lyrics from the song I Surrender By: Leslie Ludy.

Lord, I know You see this fear in my heart
what my future holds
I feel You softly ask if I can trust You more
and give You control
So I kneel before You now
and I offer everything
Come and be the Lord of all
-All I am or ever hope to be
I surrender, I surrender
to the One who loves me more than life
I surrender, I surrender
here is my heart
I open it wide
To the One who cannot be unfaithful
I now offer You all that I am
I surrender, I surrender
From this day on I´ll be in your hands

I´ve been living for myself
and now I want to live for You alone
Come and help me when I´m weak
And when my path seems so unknown
You´ll be beside me still
I know You want what´s best for me
So when I want to take control
Lord, please, come and help my unbelief

I surrender, I surrender
to the One who loves me more than life
I surrender, I surrender
here is my heart
I open it wide
To the One who cannot be unfaithful
I now offer You all that I am
I surrender, I surrender
From this day on I´ll be in your hands

Love,
Kenzie

Beyond Comprehension

Being human, I cannot comprehend or imagine the amount of pain Jesus Christ went through in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross at Calvary. It has always been said that the worst pain a woman experiences is childbirth and the worst pain a man encounters is having a kidney stone. Now, imagine this... As of right now we have roughly 7.5 billion people on the earth, that number fluctuates daily, even minutely. Okay, now add that to the billions and trillions of other human beings that have graced this earth since Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden. Think of how many women that is that have given birth and how many men that have dealt with kidney stones. However, that is not the only pain experienced by humankind. There is: broken bones, surgeries, broken hearts, migraines, shingles, heart attacks, arthritis, slipped disks, appendicitis, endometriosis, gout, ulcers, fibromyalgia, and mental illnesses, not to mention even the small pains such as: stubbed toes, scratched knees, stepping on a lego, pulled muscles, etc, etc. Now imagine how every bit of pain ranging from a mosquito bite to multiple sclerosis and beyond was felt by one man...one perfect, loving, Son of God. It is so hard to envision being tested by just you and your family's pain, but to picture taking upon oneself every single being whoever enriched this earth for any amount of time's pain is mind-boggling. If there is one thing I've learned though, it is that we don't have to understand it to believe it. In Alma 32:21 it reads, "And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." I know I am not perfect, I don't have perfect looks, a perfect life, or perfect faith. Be that as it may, I still have faith and I still have hope. Christ didn't give up in the Garden or on the Cross, sure He asked if He must continue, but He told Heavenly Father "not my will, but thine be done". Because Christ didn't give up on us we don't have to suffer as He did nor do we have to suffer alone. Doctrine and Covenants 104:82 reads, "And inasmuch as ye are humble and faithful and call upon my name, behold, I will give you the victory." Read that again, "And inasmuch as ye are humble and faithful and call upon my name, behold, I will give you the victory." All He asks is that we pray in faith, realizing we can't conquer on our own. He wants to help us! I know most the time that doesn't mean He will take it from us though He has the power to do so, usually it means He will strengthen us to lift the burdens we carry, succor us through the pain, or comfort us in the midst of affliction. Elder David A. Bednar once said, "Strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives, even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted." So, even though there is no way we can comprehend the amount of pain, heartache, and anguish the Savior suffered, we can have faith that He did endure it all. He hurt for me and He hurt for you and I believe He hurts more when we don't ask Him for help. I am so thankful for a loving Savior who went through the exact pain I am burdened with so that I don't have to abide it alone. One of my favorite hymns reads this,

1. 
   
1. 1. I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
   Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
   I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
   That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
2. Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
   Enough to die for me!
   Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
3. 2. I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
   To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
   That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
   Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.
4. Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
   Enough to die for me!
   Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
5. 3. I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
   Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
   No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
   Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.
6. Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
   Enough to die for me!
   Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
7. Text and music: Charles H. Gabriel, 1856–1932
   
   
   Love, 
   Kenzie