Many of you know I have dealt with seemingly unexplainable pain the last 2 1/2 years. We are finally getting answers, hopefully for good this time, by getting hip surgery soon. I have had countless people tell me how strong I am and that I am amazing because of the faith I've had through the pain. What they don't see is the numberless nights of crying and pouring my heart out to God that I can just feel better. They don't see the severe anxiety I am attacked with each evening because I still do not feel better. They don't see the amount of sleep I have to get to remain semi-functional. They don't see the effects the pain has on my mental and spiritual health. They don't see the deep desires I have to be pain free so I can move on with life, go to school, have a job, date, etc. I want to live my life so bad, but many people don't see that.
Lately, I have broken down in tears every single night like clockwork, because the anxiety is too much to bear. I thought I was just crying because I want to feel better, but as I prayed for God to help me past this mental roadblock, I realized that the root cause of my problem is that I am living too much in the future and not living at all in the present. My life has become so dull and painful that I am not noticing the good in each day. I have become too focused on my plans for after surgery and recovery and my dreams and aspirations that I feel like I don't even exist right now. As I came to that understanding, my mom talked things over with me and I came up with some goals. Not future goals, but everyday goals. Things that will help me be present in my life right now and especially look for the good. I had always believed I was an optimist, but somehow in this mess of let downs and treatment after treatment I have shifted to a pessimist.
I know how hard it is to change my thinking, the way of life I have been dealing with for who knows how long. I hurt in my heart thinking of how negative I have come to be and feel so empty inside because I have not been filling up with goodness and gratitude which is so vital to mental well-being. I have been praying repeatedly since recognizing my problem, that God would strengthen me so that I am able to change my thinking. That Christ would lighten my burden so I know I am not alone in fighting this negativity. I pray that I can rise above this distrust that there is anything good happening in my life. I have never realized how hard it is during trials to find things that bring me joy. I ache for the happiness God has promised me and beg that He will help me find it. I cannot express the despair I feel as I face every monotonous day and importune God for relief from this physical pain. I hate not knowing when my pain will be resolved and I despise the fact that I have become so depressed thinking nothing good is going on in my life right now. I think that the only way I will get better in all aspects of my health is to be pain free. But, how will I appreciate the future good things if I cannot acknowledge the bright happenings in the present?
I don't mean for this post to attract pity or sorrow for the things I feel and experience. Instead I hope that those who are facing similar bouts of anxiety, pessimism, and pain will know that they are not alone in feeling alone. However, the only person who knows exactly what we face, every doubt that enters our mind, every frown that touches our face, and every fear that grips our heart Christ has felt. Our Savior dropped below every conceivable experience or emotion so that WE DO NOT HAVE TO FACE OUR STRUGGLES ALONE. I invite you to reach for Christ's hand and with Him, rise up. Please listen to the song linked below about rising up.
Love,
Kenzie
