For those with any kind of mental health disorder, feeling the spirit can often be hard, I'm sure there are many of you who understand that and sometimes struggle to feel God near. Lately, I've been feeling the same way. I went off a medication, per my doctor's recommendation, and have been feeling nothing but anxiety since then. I can hardly sit still to do my homework or study the scriptures and as I do those things nothing of what I read seems to stick and after I finish I have no idea what I just read. I feel almost like I have ADD, I have to be almost constantly moving and by the end of each day my body is sore and exhausted from all the physical activity I had to do to stay somewhat in control of the overwhelming feelings that fill my every waking moment. Being so full of this general anxiety that seems to be for nothing in particular, seemed to block out the spirit, not by choice, but simply because my mind is too loud for the quiet whisperings of the Holy Ghost to be heard.
As some of you know I am moving to Logan in May and just accepted a job offer over there. I started getting nervous that these medication withdrawals would still be this severe by the time I move and start work. I didn't think I could make those big changes while feeling constantly overwhelmed with emotions, not to mention the dizziness, nausea, and occasional headaches that also plague me. Throughout all of this I continued to pray, though my prayers were short because I simply couldn't be still long enough to say everything in my heart. Tonight, I decided no matter how much I wiggled or if I stood and paced to pray, there were things weighing on my heart that only God could help me with.
As I knelt to pray I began by telling God my worries about moving and starting a job amidst this struggle. I felt a brief sense of peace that all would be well and my excitement for this new part of my life began to return. I don't know how everything will work out or even if I will be feeling better by then, but I knew that with Christ I could it. I also felt excited that I finally felt the spirit, after feeling like I had been without it for weeks. The second thing I prayed about stems from a self-reliance course I am taking on emotional resilience. Each week we set goals or commitments to help us better our relationship with Christ and strengthen our mental muscle. Our theme for this week is divine identity. I decided to pray and ask God how He felt about me as one of my goals. With all that I have been experiencing, seemingly without help from above, I had been feeling completely alone. As I asked my Heavenly Father how He felt about me, I felt warmth wash over me as if I was receiving a hug from Heaven and thoughts began to enter my mind, reminding me that I am God's daughter, that I am never alone, and that I am deeply loved by my Father in Heaven.
After weeks of feeling like this trial would never end, that no one cared, and I was forever alone, a hug from Heaven is exactly what I needed to keep going. How much longer my struggles coming off the medication will last, I don't know, but I do know is that I am being watched over and God is aware of my pain. I am not alone, you are not alone, we are not alone. In Doctrine & Covenants 31:13 it reads, "Be faithful unto the end, and lo, I am with you." It is good to regularly ask God His feelings about you, if you haven't in awhile, I challenge you to do so and take time to listen to His response.
Love,
Kenzie
