I Hope You Dance

It is said that the hardest part of healing is the grieving of things and opportunities lost. I wholeheartedly agree with that. It is hard to realize that while I was laying around in loads of pain others were graduating college, going on missions, getting married, and having kids. I try not to compare myself to my peers, but because my experiences have played out so differently than most young adults my age, it is hard not to. As the years went on with almost constant pain and continuous missed moments, I became lax in my dependability and reliability. I would let my mind make up excuses for why I couldn't do this or that and probably let a lot of people down, including myself. If you are one of those people, I apologize.

As my hip continues to heal from the most recent surgery on it, I find myself searching for jobs. As I do so and get called in for interviews, I worry that those excuses my mind likes to make up will win and I won't be the person I have dreamed about being for so long. It is hard for me to believe I can be any better than I have been. My mom shared something with me, how we need to set down yesterday's burdens and go into tomorrow with a clean slate. It got me thinking about Jesus Christ, how He should be the one we give yesterday's burdens to, because He is the one that can wipe our slate clean for tomorrow. Christ is the author of our faith, the God of new beginnings. Who better to give yesterday's burden to but the man who is more than a mortal man could be, my Savior. 

Lately, I have been feeling so much gratitude to my Heavenly Father that my hip is finally feeling whole again despite the four screws currently holding it together as my bone grows back. I've felt so much renewed hope in a better future. Tonight though, all my insecurities came back or resurfaced I suppose. It is hard to think that I won't continue to have health problems pop up just when things seem to be getting better, because that is all I've known the last five years. It is hard to trust that better things really are coming, that I won't be miserable for ever. 

There are two songs I like to listen to when I am feeling pumped about my future, but also will listen to when I'm feeling scared about it. The first one is sung by Mat & Savanna Shaw. It is called "I Hope You Dance." It is about seeing the beauty in life, knowing how amazing you are, staying humble, and dancing when things get hard. The second one is by Anthem Lights called, "Who I'm Meant to Be." This song reminds me to focus on where I am now, to live life without fear, and trust the process of being me. These songs bring me so much peaceful energy. 

I am so blessed with the knowledge of my Savior, who makes new beginnings possible. I am blessed with a Heavenly Father who knows my hopes and dreams and wants me to succeed. I am also blessed with things like songs that remind me of these parts of my testimony which sometimes become hidden with pain, excuses, and self-doubt. So, if you are reading this right now, don't give up, trust in God's process, and I hope you dance.

Love,

Kenzie

Here are the links to both the songs. 

https://youtu.be/TkwzLBmTkls?si=unBX_4cLgVHILuYU

https://youtu.be/UVb8OJEQGIQ?si=KxTDg5chR0gHVmOk 

He Chose Us

 As I've been recovering from surgery I have dealt with a lot of anxiety (mostly from coming off the strong pain meds). I have mainly been worried about my future. I honestly am unsure of how to live life without constant pain and sickness. I also have so many hopes and dreams that for years have desperately pleaded for. When I get anxious like that it is so hard to feel Christ near or feel His spirit. I have wondered over and over again if God really has a plan for me and if He really cares about my hopes and dreams. 

One of the gifts I received during recovery was a book by David Butler titled, Redeemer. In it, David expounds upon the names of Christ and how He can be different for each need we may have. For example, when we need forgiveness and a chance to try again, Christ is The Hope of Israel. Anyway, as I was reading chapter four, David is discussing how Christ is with us always. He was with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego in the fiery furnace and He was with Esther as she petitioned the King for the Jews. As in Esther's story, sometimes Christ isn't mentioned directly and we may have a hard time believing He is there. That is when we need to start looking, start seeing Him with us, notice His hand in our lives, and as we do so we will recognize Him everywhere we may go. 

What really stuck out to me in this chapter and got me teary-eyed from feeling the truth of it strongly, was that Christ chose us. Christ could have been born in a castle or grand temple, but He chose to be born in a barn. In a stinky, messy, old barn. Why? Because He chose us! He meets us where we are, in our barns, our messes, and our joyful times too. 

It was such a comfort reading this. Knowing that Heavenly Father is aware of me because Christ is with me, because He chose me, because They both love me. I am going to be looking even more for the miracles Christ puts into my life, I know they are there, I just have to look for them and Him. Don't give up because you aren't seeing Christ in your life. He doesn't give us everything all the time, we need to do our part and look for Him. It is so worth the search!

Love,

Kenzie

Knowing

 It is sad to watch people you love leave the church. Something that is so important to me just isn't cutting it for them. I don't understand all the reasons, but am grateful I am someone people can trust to tell me they are leaving. I can't imagine how hard it must be for those who have grown up with the church as much part of their lives as breathing is, decide to leave it behind. So, to be someone they can trust to tell about and discuss things with, brings me great joy and I know that though it hurts to watch them believe differently then I do when what I believe brings me so much happiness, that I am doing what my Heavenly Father expects me to do in these situations. Simply love them and be there for them. My patriarchal blessing says something along the lines of my seeing many of my associates fall prey to the tempting of satan. I am not sure if that is what this is, but it hurts none the less. Of course, I encourage everyone to do what feels right for them, but I don't understand how something that has been promised to bring us happiness doesn't sit right with some people. 

I know many people say if someone leaves the church that they must not have had a strong enough testimony, they must be gay, or they didn't follow the advice and commandments of God so they weren't ready to withstand the tests of our day. I am sure that is the case for some people, but I don't think that is how it is for everyone. I can't profess to know or understand why anyone does what they do, but if they can proudly stand up and say they don't know what they believe, then I can proudly stand up and say what I do believe. 

I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who sent His eldest Son, Jesus Christ to this sin-filled Earth to bleed from every pore and die so we are not alone when we suffer and so we can repent of our mistakes. I know Christ rose the 3rd day allowing all of us to do the same some day. I know President Russell M. Nelson is the prophet that Christ has chosen to lead His church today. That is the first time I can truly say I know that rather than just believing it. In Alma 32:18 it reads, "...for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to believe, for he knoweth it." I know that my Heavenly Father and the Savior love each of us no matter our choices or beliefs, we should do the same. 

Love,

Kenzie