I was recently diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). It is a common misconception that OCD means you like things orderly and clean. That may be true for some people with this awful disease, but there are many other "themes" in OCD. The common identifier of OCD is intrusive thoughts that often spiral out of control, causing us sufferers to perform a compulsion in the hopes it will relieve the anxiety that those thoughts cause. These compulsions can manifest in many different ways, including, but not limited to; counting things, repeating a phrase over and over, researching, washing hands repeatedly and in a pattern, etc. It is different for every person. For me, most of my compulsions happen in my head, so my head is pretty much always a tornado, not just from the compulsions, but also from the bajillions of thoughts that come through my head on a daily basis.
As such, it is very hard for me to know when God is speaking to me. Looking back, there were many times where I would decide to do something and have lots of strong feelings about it, so I thought it was guidance from God. For example, soon before I was diagnosed with OCD, I got it in my head that in order to feel all better and have all my problems solved, I needed to move far away from my home, I'm talking across the country, where I could start over completely new. I know that it makes no sense that I would think that moving far away would free me from all my burdens, but when the OCD gets going, logic is out the window. They call it the OCD loop, you get scared about something specific, so you do some compulsion to ease the anxiety because that's what your brain tells you will help. It might help for a brief moment, then the anxiety comes back and you feel the need to perform the compulsion again, so it goes around and around. Back to my story, I was so sure that was what God wanted me to do, so I started applying for jobs that sounded cool all over the country, I talked to my Bishop and told him what my plan was, but that I wasn't sure how to tell my parents, because I knew they'd try to talk me out of it. Fast forward a couple of weeks and my therapist diagnosed me with OCD. I started learning more about it, the more I learned, the more I saw how much it had impacted my decisions, my ability to handle change, and it made me realize how long I have had it and why my "generalized anxiety" seemed so much different than everyone else's.
For those of you who don't know, I have a small sun tattoo on my right thumb. At the time I strongly believed that God had told me to get it. I don't regret getting it, but I now recognize that it was definitely OCD that convinced me to get it. Since making all sorts of connections with past behaviors of mine, I have come to not trust myself or the decisions I make. I've been scared to ask God for revelation because I figured I would misinterpret it or assume that the ideas coming to me are OCD. I've continued to listen to scriptures every night and pray at least twice daily, but I haven't really been expecting to receive guidance or direction from God. I feel the spirit pretty often and know I'm not alone, but I've struggled to believe I could ever get revelation through the spirit again.
As my brain has calmed down a bit thanks to medication and lots of therapy, I have felt the spirit more and more. Tonight, as I knelt to pray, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love. I am thankful to be where I am now and am grateful to know that Christ understands how I feel all the time, which is often a lot to keep up with. Usually, after my nightly prayer I will listen to some of The Book of Mormon while following along, since I can concentrate better on it that way and that's my scripture study for the night. However, tonight I had the thought that I should read my patriarchal blessing, then listen to a Come Follow Me podcast. I did just that and came away with renewed understanding of how God works and loves. I wrote two things down while listening to David Butler and Grace Freeman talk about Helaman 13. First, God is not limited by what I expect to happen. Second, God is willing to do whatever it takes so I can hear Him! God tries again and again and again. He does not give up on His children, He wants each of us to know Him and to know our divine worth and destiny. I have always known that I am a beloved daughter of a Heavenly King. I know He loves me and I know that I can trust Him. Trusting myself to know what He wants me to know seems like an insurmountable task. However, trusting that God can let me know what he wants me to know, in a way that I will recognize, is definitely something I can do.
The words of Hymn #105 come to mind and seem to fit what I'm feeling perfectly,
Master, the tempest is raging!
The billows are tossing high!
The sky is o’ershadowed with blackness.
No shelter or help is nigh.
Carest thou not that we perish?
How canst thou lie asleep
When each moment so madly is threat’ning
A grave in the angry deep?
The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:
Peace, be still.
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea
Or demons or men or whatever it be,
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean and earth and skies.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, be still; peace, be still.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, peace, be still.
Master, with anguish of spirit
I bow in my grief today.
The depths of my sad heart are troubled.
Oh, waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish
Sweep o’er my sinking soul,
And I perish! I perish! dear Master.
Oh, hasten and take control!
The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:
Peace, be still.
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea
Or demons or men or whatever it be,
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean and earth and skies.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, be still; peace, be still.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, peace, be still.
I know that God knows each of us perfectly, which also means He knows how to speak to us so we will hear and understand. I am grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. I pray that each of you will also come to know of Their eternal love.
Love,
Kenzie
P.S. (I will link some info about OCD below, if you want to learn more).
OCD information
