Everything I Needed

 Ever since I received my patriarchal blessing when I was fourteen, I have prayed for God to guide me to the man who I was supposed to spend forever with and that God would let me know if I had chosen correctly. For years I felt like I was too much for anyone to ever love me the way I wanted to be loved. I thought I wasn't worth loving because of all my trials and continual mental health struggles. My patriarchal blessing promised me that when the time was right I would be able to be sealed for eternity to the man I loved. I never fully believed that. Doubt and shame are a common occurrence with OCD and those feelings often stem from thoughts of not being enough. About a year ago my confidence in me began to grow, my love for myself grew exponentially, and I knew that I was enough with or without a man who I could love and be loved by in my life. 

Cue the Mutual dating app and finally going on a date with a guy that I had matched with and canceled on a few times. At that point in time I was happy where I was in life and not necessarily expecting anything to come of this date. From our first date though, something was different and now here I am engaged to the same guy that I went on that first date with at a coffee shop (we are really good at researching restaurants). I have come to greatly appreciate how God works in mysterious ways. If I hadn't done the work to heal and learn to love myself, I wouldn't have been ready for a relationship. There are still days that I struggle with doubt and OCD flare ups that make me question if I really am loved. I don't know of anyone who doesn't have those thoughts sometimes. I am grateful that those thoughts and feelings don't last and that I know how to cope with them in healthy ways. 

I was reading Strength and Stillness by: Patricia T. Holland the other day and a couple paragraphs stuck out to me. It reads, "I believe we can find it-the steady footing and the stilling of the soul-by turning away from the fragmentation of physical preoccupations, or superwoman accomplishments, or endless popularity contests, and returning instead to the wholeness of our soul, that unity in our very being that balances the demanding and inevitable diversity of life" (pg. 12). "As stated previously, I believe we make too many external quests seeking peace or fulfillment. Only rarely do we consider the glorious possibility within us, within our own souls. We seem never to remember that divine promise, "The kingdom of God is within you" (Luke 17:21). Perhaps we forget that the kingdom of God is within us because too much attention is given to the kingdom of women outside us, this outer shell, this human body of ours, and the frail, too-flimsy world in which it moves. So, as women of faith, we should make an inward quest" (pg. 14). For one reason or another I often forgot that 'the kingdom of God was within me.' I often felt like a burden to those around me, a failure in everything I tried to do, and both too much and not enough at the same time. It wasn't until my therapist started working with me on self-compassion and I began my 'inward quest' that I began to be happy with my life and healing came. With that healing and happiness came blessings I couldn't have imagined, including my wonderful fiancé. 

A friend recently shared a Josh Groban song with me called, "Everything You Needed." Some of the lyrics that hit me hard are as follows, 

"Sunlight will fill your heart again

You're hurting now, but friend

Your pain is the beginning

And we might fall, but you will find

You've lost nothing, it's there inside

You've got everything you needed"

I know that God has given me everything I need inside my soul, I know that I am enough, I know that I am a Child of my Heavenly Father, and I know that He prepared me so I could meet my forever when I was supposed to. 

Love, 

Kenzie

Josh Groban-Everything You Needed

Beautiful Heartbreak

  Oftentimes when we want to improve on something, we ask God for help. It may sound something like this, "God, please help me have more faith" or "Heavenly Father, it is really hard to be patient with people. Please help me have more patience." Do you know what usually comes next? If  you guessed a sudden surge in faith or the patience of a saint, you would be wrong. What comes after asking for help in improving something is the opportunity to practice faith, patience, or whatever it is you asked for help with. 

I've heard of a practice that includes manifesting everything you want without all the hard stuff that comes before it. I didn't look into it too much, but I thought, how can anyone grow, become stronger, or gain knowledge without experiencing the hard stuff or trials of faith?

I have had 14 surgeries, 1,000 ER visits, and countless blood tests in my 27 years of life. In each of those chapters I so badly wanted to not be in pain, to be able to work, to be able to do things for myself, and to just have the hard thing over with. the only thing that kept me going was faith in Christ. Faith that He knew what I was experiencing down to the smallest detail. I remember breaking down crying many times, as I prayed to God, begging Him to relieve my suffering and if not that, to at least give me peace. It was in those darkest moments that my faith in the Savior grew the most. He would give me a ray of light. Something or someone that gave  me enough hope to last until the next ray of light. My faith in the Savior has been built over time. It wasn't just given to me, I didn't just ask for it, I worked for it. I was given opportunities to strengthen and test my faith. I can say without a doubt that Jesus Christ is MY Savior and Redeemer. He knows ME. He loves ME. He walks beside ME. I can also say without a doubt that Jesus Christ is YOUR Savior and Redeemer. He knows YOU. He loves YOU. He walks beside YOU.

 God gave each of us the gift of agency and I have chosen to use it to continue to have faith in the Savior and grow my testimony, which is a gift of itself. Elder Kevin G. Brown in October's 2025 general conference said this, "Brothers and sisters, a testimony is not given for temporary use. This gift from our loving Heavenly Father is meant to be eternal because the giver is eternal. A testimony should not have an expiration date. It should not weaken or diminish because something in my life has changed or something in the world has changed. It should get stronger because, like the servant's talents in the parable of the talents, my personal testimony is a gift to be multiplied-not buried."  End quote.

I know it is not easy to continue practicing faith or anything else that we ask for help in improving. There have been many times that I have just wanted to stop trying and give up. Life is hard, becoming better than we were is hard, and changing is hard. I used to have a quote by President Holland in vinyl on my wall and it is still one of my favorite quotes that I try to live by. This is from his talk entitled, "An High Priest Of Good Things to Come" from October 1999. It says, "Don't give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead, a lot of it. Trust God and believe in good things to come." End quote. 

There is a beautiful song that expresses all this and more. It is by Hilary Weeks and is called "Beautiful Heartbreak".

"I had it all mapped out in front of me
Knew just where I wanted to go
But life decided to change my plans
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road
I knew there was no way to move it
So I searched for a way around
Broken-hearted I started climbing
And at the top I found

Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through
Was the price that I paid to see this view
Now that I'm here I would never trade
The grace that I feel and the faith that I find
Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights
I used to pray He'd take it all away
But instead it became
A beautiful heartbreak

I never dreamed my heart would make it
And I thought about turning around
But Heaven has shown me miracles
I never would have seen from the ground
Now I take the rain with the sunshine
Cause there's one thing that I know
He picks up the pieces
Along each broken road

Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through
Was the price that I paid to see this view
Now that I'm here I would never trade
The grace that I feel and the faith that I find
Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights
I used to pray He'd take it all away
But instead it became
A beautiful heartbreak"

I hope we can all find our beautiful heartbreak as we continue to put our faith in Jesus Christ.

Love,

Kenzie

Seeing Through Heaven's Eyes

 The last couple of days, I have felt the need to take more time to be still instead of constantly listening to music, as I often do. I'm not sure if its just me, but when it seems like God needs to talk to me, I can tell. Sometimes, the feeling of being on the verge of a prompting or receiving guidance from Heavenly Father lasts for a few hours, sometimes its a few days. That feeling of 'be still something is coming' has stuck around for a few days and I have found myself going about my day in the stillness instead of constant noise. 

Tonight, I took my youngest sister, Sophie, to her soccer game. As my family will attest, I get very invested in these games and upset with the whole 'better than thou' mindset many teenagers take on during sports activities. Tonight was no different, until I heard my sister's name come up by a teenager  that was standing behind me. She said rude things about Sophie and about other's on her team. I wanted so badly to stand up and march over to give her a piece of my mind. Sophie came off the field soon after that because she was not feeling well. The whole drive home I was still seething internally about this girl's rudeness. I was also feeling the frustration that Sophie was feeling having to leave the game early, because I've been there, and it really is not fun. 

I am a highly sensitive person and as such, I often feel deeply what others are feeling. After having the soccer game experiences and two other experiences earlier in the day, my heart was about to explode. As soon as I stepped in the shower tonight, it was like a dam had broke. I cried because life is hard. I cried because we live in a broken, mortal world. I cried because plans we make don't always work out. I cried because of the hurt, sadness, and evil that is in the world around us. I cried for that teenager that stood behind me, who I'm sure has her own trials to deal with and might be hurting inside too. I cried for Sophie and the struggles she faces. I cried for the others I talked to today that are hurting because of varying circumstances in their lives. I cried and I cried some more. Then, I wiped my tears and thanked my Father in Heaven for the Savior. For His unconquerable love. For His peace that is beyond description. For His amazing grace. For the power He has over satan and sin. For His desire and ability to lighten our burdens and walk with us through life. 

A few months ago during Stake Conference, the presiding authority asked us what satan knew about us and then what God knew about us. Many people said that satan and God both know everything about us. However, this member of the seventy, said somethings I will never forget. He said that satan has outdated information, he only knows us from the us that he met before he was cast out of Heaven. He knows some of the things we would face in life, but He doesn't actually know us. God, however knows our past, present, and future. He sees the whole picture and nothing is outdated in His view of us and our lives. The next thing he said hit me like a ton of bricks. He asked us why we would let anybody who doesn't know the whole us, tell us who or what we are or are not. Those teachings and truths have not only freed me from heavy burdens I had carried for years, but have also helped me realize and remember that I don't know anyone else fully like God does. I am reminded to be kind, even in my thoughts about others. 

So, after letting myself feel everything tonight and cry it out, I thanked God. What else is there to do? When you know that the most powerful being in the universe knows you and loves you AND knows and loves all people, you thank Him for that and ask to see other's and yourself through Heaven's eyes. 

(A friend shared this song with me earlier this week and it fits perfectly with the things I've been feeling.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36tQPwA1RZo 

Love,

Kenzie