Ever since I received my patriarchal blessing when I was fourteen, I have prayed for God to guide me to the man who I was supposed to spend forever with and that God would let me know if I had chosen correctly. For years I felt like I was too much for anyone to ever love me the way I wanted to be loved. I thought I wasn't worth loving because of all my trials and continual mental health struggles. My patriarchal blessing promised me that when the time was right I would be able to be sealed for eternity to the man I loved. I never fully believed that. Doubt and shame are a common occurrence with OCD and those feelings often stem from thoughts of not being enough. About a year ago my confidence in me began to grow, my love for myself grew exponentially, and I knew that I was enough with or without a man who I could love and be loved by in my life.
Cue the Mutual dating app and finally going on a date with a guy that I had matched with and canceled on a few times. At that point in time I was happy where I was in life and not necessarily expecting anything to come of this date. From our first date though, something was different and now here I am engaged to the same guy that I went on that first date with at a coffee shop (we are really good at researching restaurants). I have come to greatly appreciate how God works in mysterious ways. If I hadn't done the work to heal and learn to love myself, I wouldn't have been ready for a relationship. There are still days that I struggle with doubt and OCD flare ups that make me question if I really am loved. I don't know of anyone who doesn't have those thoughts sometimes. I am grateful that those thoughts and feelings don't last and that I know how to cope with them in healthy ways.
I was reading Strength and Stillness by: Patricia T. Holland the other day and a couple paragraphs stuck out to me. It reads, "I believe we can find it-the steady footing and the stilling of the soul-by turning away from the fragmentation of physical preoccupations, or superwoman accomplishments, or endless popularity contests, and returning instead to the wholeness of our soul, that unity in our very being that balances the demanding and inevitable diversity of life" (pg. 12). "As stated previously, I believe we make too many external quests seeking peace or fulfillment. Only rarely do we consider the glorious possibility within us, within our own souls. We seem never to remember that divine promise, "The kingdom of God is within you" (Luke 17:21). Perhaps we forget that the kingdom of God is within us because too much attention is given to the kingdom of women outside us, this outer shell, this human body of ours, and the frail, too-flimsy world in which it moves. So, as women of faith, we should make an inward quest" (pg. 14). For one reason or another I often forgot that 'the kingdom of God was within me.' I often felt like a burden to those around me, a failure in everything I tried to do, and both too much and not enough at the same time. It wasn't until my therapist started working with me on self-compassion and I began my 'inward quest' that I began to be happy with my life and healing came. With that healing and happiness came blessings I couldn't have imagined, including my wonderful fiancé.
A friend recently shared a Josh Groban song with me called, "Everything You Needed." Some of the lyrics that hit me hard are as follows,
"Sunlight will fill your heart again
You're hurting now, but friend
Your pain is the beginning
And we might fall, but you will find
You've lost nothing, it's there inside
You've got everything you needed"
I know that God has given me everything I need inside my soul, I know that I am enough, I know that I am a Child of my Heavenly Father, and I know that He prepared me so I could meet my forever when I was supposed to.
Love,
Kenzie
