Joy Cometh in the Morning

 The last couple of months I have often been overwhelmed with gratitude. I stay up all day the majority of each week instead of sleeping half the day every day because I now have the energy and desire to do so. I exercise in various ways throughout the week, including playing basketball, my physical therapy exercises, walks, and biking. I finally graduated with my Bachelor's degree from Utah State University after 7 long years of taking classes on and off. I have done a bit of gardening in between rain storms and am going to mow the lawn for the first time in my life this weekend. On Wednesday I met with my physical therapist, who told me I have no restrictions now. I am free to exercise however I want, to run, play sports, and most importantly, kick a soccer ball. I did that tonight. As soon as my foot touched the ball to kick it back to Sophie, I screamed in pure delight and started started crying tears of joy. In that moment I knew it was all worth it. The countless trips to the Emergency Room, the many surgeries, and the years of pain all led up to that joyous moment when I stopped the soccer ball with my foot. 

Two of my favorite scriptures talk of joy. The first is found in 2 Nephi 2:23, "... having no joy, for they knew no misery..." The second is Psalm 30:5, "...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Both of these scriptures came to mind tonight as I reflected on how I wouldn't have felt that incredible happiness kicking a soccer ball if I hadn't also felt the incredible pain and misery from all the health problems that plagued me the last 6 years. I have been strengthened by the Savior countless times in my life and am never truly grateful for it until that morning of joy comes. I've thought about what I would say if someone ever asked me if I wanted to erase the last 6 years. My answer would be a resounding NO! Simply because I wouldn't be thankful, happy, or joyful now if I hadn't been frustrated, miserable, and in pain then. 

I know life going forward won't be easy, it never is, but I am thankful for a Savior who not only felt all my pain and suffering, but also all my joy. I am never truly alone and I hope you all know that you are not either!

Love,

Kenzie

Please enjoy the following video (filmed by Sophie) of me experiencing that true joy. 

I Hope You Dance

It is said that the hardest part of healing is the grieving of things and opportunities lost. I wholeheartedly agree with that. It is hard to realize that while I was laying around in loads of pain others were graduating college, going on missions, getting married, and having kids. I try not to compare myself to my peers, but because my experiences have played out so differently than most young adults my age, it is hard not to. As the years went on with almost constant pain and continuous missed moments, I became lax in my dependability and reliability. I would let my mind make up excuses for why I couldn't do this or that and probably let a lot of people down, including myself. If you are one of those people, I apologize.

As my hip continues to heal from the most recent surgery on it, I find myself searching for jobs. As I do so and get called in for interviews, I worry that those excuses my mind likes to make up will win and I won't be the person I have dreamed about being for so long. It is hard for me to believe I can be any better than I have been. My mom shared something with me, how we need to set down yesterday's burdens and go into tomorrow with a clean slate. It got me thinking about Jesus Christ, how He should be the one we give yesterday's burdens to, because He is the one that can wipe our slate clean for tomorrow. Christ is the author of our faith, the God of new beginnings. Who better to give yesterday's burden to but the man who is more than a mortal man could be, my Savior. 

Lately, I have been feeling so much gratitude to my Heavenly Father that my hip is finally feeling whole again despite the four screws currently holding it together as my bone grows back. I've felt so much renewed hope in a better future. Tonight though, all my insecurities came back or resurfaced I suppose. It is hard to think that I won't continue to have health problems pop up just when things seem to be getting better, because that is all I've known the last five years. It is hard to trust that better things really are coming, that I won't be miserable for ever. 

There are two songs I like to listen to when I am feeling pumped about my future, but also will listen to when I'm feeling scared about it. The first one is sung by Mat & Savanna Shaw. It is called "I Hope You Dance." It is about seeing the beauty in life, knowing how amazing you are, staying humble, and dancing when things get hard. The second one is by Anthem Lights called, "Who I'm Meant to Be." This song reminds me to focus on where I am now, to live life without fear, and trust the process of being me. These songs bring me so much peaceful energy. 

I am so blessed with the knowledge of my Savior, who makes new beginnings possible. I am blessed with a Heavenly Father who knows my hopes and dreams and wants me to succeed. I am also blessed with things like songs that remind me of these parts of my testimony which sometimes become hidden with pain, excuses, and self-doubt. So, if you are reading this right now, don't give up, trust in God's process, and I hope you dance.

Love,

Kenzie

Here are the links to both the songs. 

https://youtu.be/TkwzLBmTkls?si=unBX_4cLgVHILuYU

https://youtu.be/UVb8OJEQGIQ?si=KxTDg5chR0gHVmOk 

He Chose Us

 As I've been recovering from surgery I have dealt with a lot of anxiety (mostly from coming off the strong pain meds). I have mainly been worried about my future. I honestly am unsure of how to live life without constant pain and sickness. I also have so many hopes and dreams that for years have desperately pleaded for. When I get anxious like that it is so hard to feel Christ near or feel His spirit. I have wondered over and over again if God really has a plan for me and if He really cares about my hopes and dreams. 

One of the gifts I received during recovery was a book by David Butler titled, Redeemer. In it, David expounds upon the names of Christ and how He can be different for each need we may have. For example, when we need forgiveness and a chance to try again, Christ is The Hope of Israel. Anyway, as I was reading chapter four, David is discussing how Christ is with us always. He was with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego in the fiery furnace and He was with Esther as she petitioned the King for the Jews. As in Esther's story, sometimes Christ isn't mentioned directly and we may have a hard time believing He is there. That is when we need to start looking, start seeing Him with us, notice His hand in our lives, and as we do so we will recognize Him everywhere we may go. 

What really stuck out to me in this chapter and got me teary-eyed from feeling the truth of it strongly, was that Christ chose us. Christ could have been born in a castle or grand temple, but He chose to be born in a barn. In a stinky, messy, old barn. Why? Because He chose us! He meets us where we are, in our barns, our messes, and our joyful times too. 

It was such a comfort reading this. Knowing that Heavenly Father is aware of me because Christ is with me, because He chose me, because They both love me. I am going to be looking even more for the miracles Christ puts into my life, I know they are there, I just have to look for them and Him. Don't give up because you aren't seeing Christ in your life. He doesn't give us everything all the time, we need to do our part and look for Him. It is so worth the search!

Love,

Kenzie

Knowing

 It is sad to watch people you love leave the church. Something that is so important to me just isn't cutting it for them. I don't understand all the reasons, but am grateful I am someone people can trust to tell me they are leaving. I can't imagine how hard it must be for those who have grown up with the church as much part of their lives as breathing is, decide to leave it behind. So, to be someone they can trust to tell about and discuss things with, brings me great joy and I know that though it hurts to watch them believe differently then I do when what I believe brings me so much happiness, that I am doing what my Heavenly Father expects me to do in these situations. Simply love them and be there for them. My patriarchal blessing says something along the lines of my seeing many of my associates fall prey to the tempting of satan. I am not sure if that is what this is, but it hurts none the less. Of course, I encourage everyone to do what feels right for them, but I don't understand how something that has been promised to bring us happiness doesn't sit right with some people. 

I know many people say if someone leaves the church that they must not have had a strong enough testimony, they must be gay, or they didn't follow the advice and commandments of God so they weren't ready to withstand the tests of our day. I am sure that is the case for some people, but I don't think that is how it is for everyone. I can't profess to know or understand why anyone does what they do, but if they can proudly stand up and say they don't know what they believe, then I can proudly stand up and say what I do believe. 

I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who sent His eldest Son, Jesus Christ to this sin-filled Earth to bleed from every pore and die so we are not alone when we suffer and so we can repent of our mistakes. I know Christ rose the 3rd day allowing all of us to do the same some day. I know President Russell M. Nelson is the prophet that Christ has chosen to lead His church today. That is the first time I can truly say I know that rather than just believing it. In Alma 32:18 it reads, "...for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to believe, for he knoweth it." I know that my Heavenly Father and the Savior love each of us no matter our choices or beliefs, we should do the same. 

Love,

Kenzie

Grace

 In the Bible Dictionary under the word grace it says, "The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ." The song "Amazing Grace" is a beautiful description of this bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ. The words are thus,

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come
This grace that brought me safe thus far
And grace will lead me home

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright, shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we first begun

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

In the grand scheme of things, we are nothing, yet God sees us as His everything. Without Christ's sacrifice we would be lost and blind. When talking of fear, we are often told in the scriptures to fear God. Some people may take that the wrong way and view Him as a hardened king who gives us no choices. However, the way I view fearing God is different. I see fearing Him meaning we revere and worship Him. When we fear God our other fears don't matter so much anymore because we know God knows all and that He is in charge. 

I often struggle to find hope in better things ahead because health problems often get in the way of my participating in life. It is hard to believe that I will get the chance to spread my wings and experience everything I want to. I took another leave of absence this semester halfway through since I missed half of it anyway due to illnesses and other factors. I know it doesn't matter how long it takes me to graduate college, but it is still frustrating to know it will take me one semester longer. For some reason I had it in my head that once I moved to Logan and was working and going to school things would be easy peasy. Who knows where that idea came from, but boy was I wrong. It has been nothing but trial after trial since getting here and I often find myself complaining about how hard things are and wishing things were easy, even for a short time. However, if things were easy, I know I wouldn't appreciate my relationship with my Savior or Father in Heaven as much and I wouldn't know the power of God's grace. As I listened to Mat and Savanna Shaw's version of "Amazing Grace" tonight I started crying. As tears streamed down my face I realized that there would be no point to the Savior's sacrifice and His grace if life wasn't hard. There wouldn't even be a point to life if it was easy all the time. As I dried my tears I was grateful once again for a Savior who sacrificed Himself so He could show me grace even when I complain about my circumstances. I need hard things in my life, do I usually want them, no, but I need them and I need my Savior to be there with me through them cause He knows I wouldn't be where I am today without Him and I never would have gotten through my trials without His strength. 

I know tonight I re-learned why things are hard and why Christ suffered. It was for me and it was for you. It was an all encompassing, yet individual Atonement. He bled for my sins and my pains, my complaints, and my sorrows, my tears and my fears. He died FOR ME so He could extend grace when my burden is too heavy to bear alone. I hope you can all come to know how much the Savior loves each of you and understand the grace he offers you everyday. 

Love,

Kenzie

Here is the link to Mat and Savanna Shaw's version of "Amazing Grace"

https://youtu.be/ihaV8_3AuQ8 

Hope and Joy

 It is so hard in today's fallen world to feel hope and joy. The world is a mess and I often feel like one too. When trials invade our life and block out light and our goals, it is hard to remember that God doesn't want us to be miserable. Dealing with health problems again is rough, moving home again stinks, and feeling stuck again is not what I wanted. I have cried a lot of tears the last few weeks. Tears for lost opportunities, tears of pain, and tears of 'what ifs'. My prayers have not ceased, I continue to ask for hope in a better future, joy, and trust in my Savior. As I read my patriarchal blessing the other day a phrase stuck out to me as a promise from God. It said "I bless you with an abundant life, full of joy and happiness." What a blessing! It reminded me that I will not be stuck in a rut forever, I won't cry forever, and I won't have to wonder if this trial will ever end. I know that God doesn't want us to hurt, but sometimes we do, simply because we are mortal and that's okay, because God will help us through the hurt. 

Something else that helped me find hope and joy was something my mom told me. Health struggles often take away our agency, for me, I can't do much right now because of pain. We came to earth to exercise our agency, if trials sometimes take that away or limit it, that doesn't fulfill God's plan, meaning it won't last eons because we need to be able to make choices. 

Another thing that has sustained me for days now is the videos from last week's Come Follow Me for Individuals and Families. They were about the refiner's fire and trials. I don't remember much about what was said during the videos, but I am still feeling the effects of how they made me feel as we watched them as a family. I have never felt more hope than I have this past week. I have hope in a brighter future, I have hope that I can achieve my goals, and I have hope for anyone else facing similar things. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if the tunnel lasts for miles. 

The last thing that has always brought me hope and joy are the songs that Mat and Savanna Shaw sing. Since they began their music careers with "The Prayer" I have been blown away by how much I relate to many of their songs and the Spirit I feel when I listen to their music. Their three most recent pieces have touched my heart in ways I can't even explain. 

I am forever grateful for my Heavenly Parents, my Savior Jesus Christ, and the Comforter. I believe in the power of hope and the peace that power brings. Please don't give up when things get hard, that's when we can become our strongest. I love you all and pray that you may all feel the hope and joy the Savior gives. 

Love, 

Kenzie

Link to Come Follow Me videos: https://abn.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/come-follow-me-for-individuals-and-families-old-testament-2022/11?lang=eng

Link to Mat and Savanna Shaw's song "Dream Big": https://youtu.be/TCh0spUc7Rk

A Choice Spirit Daughter

     Since moving to Logan for school, I have struggled a lot with feeling wanted, comparing myself with others, and finding my place and purpose here. After years of pain, surgeries, and doctor appointments I don't know what my purpose is outside of surviving. I am so thankful to finally be moved out and moving on and though I am still recovering from hip surgery, I'm finally where I want to be location wise. However, I am not sure where I am meant to be in the other aspects of my life. I've felt so lost and confused. Who am I and what am I doing? 

    I'm sure many of us have felt those feelings before and it is some hard stuff to feel. This morning, I woke up feeling tired and emotionally drained and didn't want to go to church. I decided to anyway and some testimonies and the Sunday School lesson spoke to me on a personal level through the Holy Spirit. One of my new friends bore her testimony about taking charge over the thoughts the devil puts in our heads. She spoke of using "I am" statements each day to remember who she is and to knock the devil back to where he belongs. I made the decision to start using "I am" statements whenever I am comparing myself to those around me, comparison is the thief of joy and nobody deserves to be in misery constantly. "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25). Something that was talked about in Sunday School was how we often need to remind ourselves that when we think others are talking poorly of us or judging us by our looks, they are usually doing the same thing we are, which is comparing ourselves. We also need to remember that the only person who's judgements matter are the Lord's and He doesn't judge us by our outward appearance, but what is in the heart. 

    Another way I've always been taught is a way to combat spiritual blues is to serve. A quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley that is usually applied to missionary work, but I believe fits other service as well is, "forget yourself and go to work." Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf once said, "Often, the answer to our prayer does not come while we're on our knees but while we're on our feet serving the Lord and serving those around us."

    Something I did awhile ago as per the advice of someone giving a lesson in the second hour of church was to read your patriarchal blessing and mark every word or phrase God uses to describe you. I read just those words and phrases that were marked today and was reminded again that the only view of ourselves that matters besides our own is our Father in Heaven's because He knows us even better than we know ourselves. The phrase that stuck out the most to me from my blessing is the one that said, "You are a choice spirit daughter of His..." That is the truth that matters the most. I am His and so are you!

    I will hope and pray and serve and I know as I do so, things will get better. I hope and pray that if any of you struggle with things beyond your reach, that you will not give up hope, that you will trust in the Savior, and that you will look outside yourself and serve with all your heart so that things will get better for you too. 

Love,

Kenzie