Feeling Lost in My World of Mental Illness

 The chorus of the hymn "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go" on page 270 of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints' hymn book reads, "I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord, Over mountain or plain or sea; I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord; I'll be what you want me to be." Has anyone ever felt like they don't know where the Lord wants them to go? It seems like the last few years I have felt like that repeatedly, as time and time again my goals are in reach then health issues strike, yanking those steps forward out from under my feet. That's all I seem to experience anymore and I am so sick of it. I am angry, frustrated, feeling stuck, and wondering if I will ever be able to move forward like I've been hoping to do for years. I am not mad at God because, as I was reminded of in institute a couple weeks ago, God doesn't make bad things happen to us. Trial and pain comes through our choices or simply because it is part of life. God lets us go through these things not out of spite or because we are bad people. It is actually the opposite. He lets us experience hard, tough, and unfair things because He loves us with an infinite love. As we face these trials we can do one of two things, harden our hearts and blame God or, turn to Him and lay our burdens at the feet of His Son. 

For those who deal with or have dealt with anxiety, they probably know that when hard things come, it is hard not to question everything you thought you knew. In fact, I have found it impossible to not do so. Though I feel like it isn't really me, because deep in my heart and mind I know what I know and I know that God knows it too. However, it is difficult to believe I know those things in my heart when all I hear repeatedly in my head is that I must be doing something wrong since nothing in my life seems to go right or at least how I think it should go. Many people might not know this, but when depression tries to drown me, or my mind won't slow down, or the only thoughts and feelings I have are anxiety ridden ones, it is extremely difficult to feel the Spirit. No matter how much I pray, study the scriptures, or try to connect with God, those thoughts and feelings of anxiety or depression, more often than not, don't leave room for anything else. It isn't impossible to notice the Holy Ghost, but those times are rare when my mental health is not optimal. The times I feel the Spirit the most are when I am sitting in primary with my class, listening to all the primary kids sweetly singing their testimonies. Many people I know say primary is one of the easiest places to feel the spirit, obviously primary only comes once a week, so sometimes I don't seem to feel the Spirit until the next Sunday, depending on how the rest of the week went. I hope from that explanation you understand why I find it so hard to know if I am doing the right things now and if I am pursuing the right path

Mental health illnesses are no joke and it is frustrating when people say they are sorry that I suffer with it and then follow up with "I hope you feel better." I know it comes out of compassion, but no one can just feel better from a mental illness. The majority of these illnesses are life long. Many people are on medication for them for most of their lives, some people regularly see a therapist, some people need both, and others quit trying to reach their goals or make progress because it feels like more than they can handle. Yes, I  have a lot of good days, I also have really bad days, there are also times when months go by when I am tired all the time because of the strain poor mental health puts on my body. Often people remind me to rely on the Savior and things will be better. What they don't understand or don't know, is that it is very rare that things get better the moment you start relying on the Savior. Personally, I think I am good at relying on the Savior all the time, not just during trials. People might ask, if I am always relying on the Savior why do you still suffer so much? Honestly, I don't understand it either, but I do know that the only things that keep me going are the little moments of peace and love I feel here and there and the knowledge I have that those small reminders will keep coming until I am not daily struggling to feel close to God, because then I can feel Him near always, when my mind has quieted and there is room for Him again.  

Being mentally ill is never something anyone willingly chooses. I have often heard that those who suffer from a mental illness are allowed to suffer as they do because God knows they are the only ones who can handle it. I know that usually during the hardest moments of struggle I feel the furthest thing from strong, but that is when I have to trust in the Savior's strength more than ever, because somethings you simply cannot do alone. However, Christ is not going to do all the work. I have to do my part, just as you all have to do yours. For me, that includes seeing a psychiatrist to help on the medicine side of things (I am looking for a new one, so if anyone has recommendations please let me know), it has included therapy in the past, life coaching more recently, and letting my emotions out through words and tears. Releasing my emotions in this way is something that has improved my relationship with God, has allowed those who care about me to comfort me, and has allowed me to love and trust those I confide in more.

To make my point I would like to quote words of a song by: Hilary Weeks called "Love Your Life." She begins my singing these words, "Life isn't easy, I wish I could say it was, but if we will let it, time will teach us." Hard things come for us to learn from, grow in, and to let us know God better if we so choose. Look for the little things that make you happy, focus on the Savior, and savor every moment of peace, love, and guidance that comes, because sometimes we have to live on those simple, quick moments for awhile.

I know that throughout all my challenges I haven't been alone even when I have felt like it, the Savior walks with me each step of the way, sometimes He carries me when I have no strength to go on. I am beyond grateful for Christ and His sacrifice, for my friends and family who let me cry on their shoulder, pray for me and check in to see how I am doing, I am especially thankful for my testimony of the gospel, because if I didn't have that, I wouldn't have the faith that better things are coming or the strength to move towards those better things. I owe my life to the Savior, I know I can never repay Him, but I hope that my love for Him and my trust and faith in Him can be enough. 

Love,

Kenzie

                                            photo from : adobe stock
                        

Here is the link to the rest of Hilary Week's song, 

https://youtu.be/VUCHWj0jvKM 

Unfairness

    I'm sure many of us have wondered and complained at one point or another how certain trials we face are unfair. I know I have many times, this past Sunday I found myself thinking those exact thoughts. I pondered on how many of my plans have not worked out, especially the past few years. I am not where I thought I would be and am definitely not where I hoped I would be. I have felt so stuck in this endless cycle of making goals that I know God approves of, getting so close to achieving them, then something comes up and drops me back down to level zero. I have questioned over and over again why I can't seem to move on with my life. Sometimes it hits me so hard that I can't help but cry and feel depressed. As these thoughts and feelings overwhelmed me Sunday afternoon, I reached out to friends to see if they were available to talk. Saying things out loud helps me relieve the burden. My friend Becca was able to talk with me over the phone. She is such an amazing, loving, caring person and I am grateful for her in my life. She recommended I read Elder Dale G. Renlund's talk from  the April 2021 General Conference. (As a side note, I've also been dealing with severe anxiety lately and a constantly racing mind, which makes it very hard to feel and hear the Spirit, simply because the mind and body are so full with all sorts of other stuff). As I read this talk tonight, I was immediately filled with the Spirit. Feeling the Spirit anytime is a wonderful experience, but it is extra special when it seems like it has been forever since you felt it last. While reading, I was hit by certain phrases and principles that have never meant as much to me as they did as I soaked in Elder Renlund's words. 

The first principle that stuck out to me was the reality of how unfair it was that Christ had to suffer the sins and pain of all mankind. However, because Christ loves us and Heavenly Father, He went through with it and because He did so, He can perfectly empathize with each of us in our times of unfairness. Which also means He has the power to provide a remedy. That remedy does not always mean He will take it away immediately. Elder Renlund explains that, "Even while we suffer inexplicably, God can bless us in simple, ordinary, and significant ways." One of the ways God has blessed me to be able to feel the Spirit lately, even for just a short time, is by calling me to teach Primary. Listening to the children sing about the gospel brings me peace that not much else has been able to. It is amazing how much faith the kids put into their voices as they sing praises to God. 

    In the scriptures it tells of ancient Israelites who complained that God treated them unfairly. In response The Christ said that a mother may forget her sucking child (which is highly unlikely), but His devotion to us is even more steadfast, because we are engraved on the palms of His hands and are always before Him. If you think about how improbable it would be for a mother to forget her child, according to this statement by the Savior (found in 1 Nephi 21: 15-16) it is completely impossible for Jesus Christ to forget us. Imagine that, we are always on His mind, when we feel abandoned, when our goals seem so far away, and even when we are angry because life is unfair, we are continually before Him and He is always aware of us and our circumstances. 

    This past Sunday a recently returned sister missionary spoke about faith. She told us that it is not enough to say we have faith and move on to other pursuits. We have to be actively practicing our faith in the way we act, live, and pray. Elder Renlund taught, "In unfair situations, one of our tasks is to trust that all that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." Trust goes hand in hand with faith, if we trust God we also have faith in Him. 

    If anyone else is a Harry Potter fan they may remember that a character named Luna Lovegood often 'lost' things. She never let it bother her and even said something along the lines of how lost things often have a way of coming back to us, though not always in the way we expect it. This goes right along with something else Elder Renlund said that really struck home tonight. He said, " If we let Him, Jesus Christ will consecrate the unfairness for our gain. He will not just console us and restore what was lost; He will use the unfairness for our benefit. When it comes to how and when, we need to recognize and accept, as did Alma, that 'it mattereth not; for God knoweth all these things; and it sufficeth me to know that this is the case.' "

    My friend Becca also reminded me that it is okay to recognize and even tell God that what we are experiencing is unfair. As long as we don't get caught up in how unfair things are, but instead ask God for help to see the good and to endure the trials. I know more trials are always ahead, but more importantly, I know that even more blessings and good things are in store for you and me. Please don't give up on yourself, or on those above who give you hope to keep going. As Elder Jeffery R. Holland has said, "Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever." I believe in you!

Love, 

Kenzie 

                                                     Picture from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints