If there is one thing I learned from the past three years of being stuck at home and in lots of pain for most of that time, it is that I know how the Spirit speaks to me. However, sometimes I let my pride and the natural man inside me get in the way of my receiving promptings. Since being stuck inside for so long I felt locked in and just want to experience something completely new. I started looking into a volunteer abroad program and began praying about it. After a few days I hadn't received a yes or no so I went for it and applied, but continued to pray about it (I obviously knew it didn't feel right). Basically my mind decided that if God didn't give me an answer that must mean yes, so I was determined to do it no matter what. As I kept planning on how to raise funds and going through the application process I felt uneasy about it, but kept attributing it to nerves because I so badly wanted to see and do new things. I was pretty much sending a message to God that I didn't care what He thought about it, I was going to do it anyway. As I was talking to my mom a couple nights ago, I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace after saying out loud that I was not meant to go abroad to volunteer, but that I am meant to be here and to focus on school and healing from my injury. There was no doubt that I had gotten my answer.
After the peace hit me, I immediately felt ashamed that I had felt confidence in my ability to recognize the Spirit, but I hadn't listened when the Spirit didn't confirm or deny if I should go abroad. I didn't wait for an answer and I didn't heed the uneasy feelings I got as I continued planning. But, most of all I was sorry that I had not trusted God enough to know He listens to my prayers, will answer them, and that He is the one who knows the path I must take to get where I need to go.
As I studied in Alma 43 yesterday, I was struck with how Captain Moroni sent spies to follow the Lamanites, but he also sent word to the prophet, asking where God wanted them to be to best protect their people. Moroni did what he could do, but also knew that to have a complete plan he needed God on His side. I wanted God on my side which is why I kept praying even after I thought I knew the answer, my problem was that I let the natural man take control and I ignored those unsure thoughts and uneasy feelings for a few days. Moroni on the other hand, not only asked God what he should do, but had the courage to do as God directed. There is a wonderful painting by Greg Olsen which depicts the truth of Christ wanting to come to us, but we have to choose to open the door. As many of you have probably found out for yourself, that is easier said than done, but it needs to be done, over and over again simply because we are human and without Christ we would perish and not make it back to our Heavenly Home.
Mosiah 3:19 reads, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."
I believe it is often through our trials and mistakes that we learn the hardest lessons and is how we learn the most. I am grateful that no matter what dumb mistakes I make or how many times I don't open the door for Christ to come in, He and Heavenly Father still love me and help me learn the lessons I need. Because we all have the natural man or woman inside us we need the Atonement, sometimes more than we think. I am thankful that God remembers my sin no more when I sincerely repent and that I can try again and again and again. The Lord loves me, He loves you, and He loves when we repent and He is able to forgive us, because it shows Him that we love Him too. I am going to work on overcoming the natural man by tuning into the Spirit more, what can you do to show God you love Him?
Love,
Kenzie
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