Feeling Lost in My World of Mental Illness

 The chorus of the hymn "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go" on page 270 of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints' hymn book reads, "I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord, Over mountain or plain or sea; I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord; I'll be what you want me to be." Has anyone ever felt like they don't know where the Lord wants them to go? It seems like the last few years I have felt like that repeatedly, as time and time again my goals are in reach then health issues strike, yanking those steps forward out from under my feet. That's all I seem to experience anymore and I am so sick of it. I am angry, frustrated, feeling stuck, and wondering if I will ever be able to move forward like I've been hoping to do for years. I am not mad at God because, as I was reminded of in institute a couple weeks ago, God doesn't make bad things happen to us. Trial and pain comes through our choices or simply because it is part of life. God lets us go through these things not out of spite or because we are bad people. It is actually the opposite. He lets us experience hard, tough, and unfair things because He loves us with an infinite love. As we face these trials we can do one of two things, harden our hearts and blame God or, turn to Him and lay our burdens at the feet of His Son. 

For those who deal with or have dealt with anxiety, they probably know that when hard things come, it is hard not to question everything you thought you knew. In fact, I have found it impossible to not do so. Though I feel like it isn't really me, because deep in my heart and mind I know what I know and I know that God knows it too. However, it is difficult to believe I know those things in my heart when all I hear repeatedly in my head is that I must be doing something wrong since nothing in my life seems to go right or at least how I think it should go. Many people might not know this, but when depression tries to drown me, or my mind won't slow down, or the only thoughts and feelings I have are anxiety ridden ones, it is extremely difficult to feel the Spirit. No matter how much I pray, study the scriptures, or try to connect with God, those thoughts and feelings of anxiety or depression, more often than not, don't leave room for anything else. It isn't impossible to notice the Holy Ghost, but those times are rare when my mental health is not optimal. The times I feel the Spirit the most are when I am sitting in primary with my class, listening to all the primary kids sweetly singing their testimonies. Many people I know say primary is one of the easiest places to feel the spirit, obviously primary only comes once a week, so sometimes I don't seem to feel the Spirit until the next Sunday, depending on how the rest of the week went. I hope from that explanation you understand why I find it so hard to know if I am doing the right things now and if I am pursuing the right path

Mental health illnesses are no joke and it is frustrating when people say they are sorry that I suffer with it and then follow up with "I hope you feel better." I know it comes out of compassion, but no one can just feel better from a mental illness. The majority of these illnesses are life long. Many people are on medication for them for most of their lives, some people regularly see a therapist, some people need both, and others quit trying to reach their goals or make progress because it feels like more than they can handle. Yes, I  have a lot of good days, I also have really bad days, there are also times when months go by when I am tired all the time because of the strain poor mental health puts on my body. Often people remind me to rely on the Savior and things will be better. What they don't understand or don't know, is that it is very rare that things get better the moment you start relying on the Savior. Personally, I think I am good at relying on the Savior all the time, not just during trials. People might ask, if I am always relying on the Savior why do you still suffer so much? Honestly, I don't understand it either, but I do know that the only things that keep me going are the little moments of peace and love I feel here and there and the knowledge I have that those small reminders will keep coming until I am not daily struggling to feel close to God, because then I can feel Him near always, when my mind has quieted and there is room for Him again.  

Being mentally ill is never something anyone willingly chooses. I have often heard that those who suffer from a mental illness are allowed to suffer as they do because God knows they are the only ones who can handle it. I know that usually during the hardest moments of struggle I feel the furthest thing from strong, but that is when I have to trust in the Savior's strength more than ever, because somethings you simply cannot do alone. However, Christ is not going to do all the work. I have to do my part, just as you all have to do yours. For me, that includes seeing a psychiatrist to help on the medicine side of things (I am looking for a new one, so if anyone has recommendations please let me know), it has included therapy in the past, life coaching more recently, and letting my emotions out through words and tears. Releasing my emotions in this way is something that has improved my relationship with God, has allowed those who care about me to comfort me, and has allowed me to love and trust those I confide in more.

To make my point I would like to quote words of a song by: Hilary Weeks called "Love Your Life." She begins my singing these words, "Life isn't easy, I wish I could say it was, but if we will let it, time will teach us." Hard things come for us to learn from, grow in, and to let us know God better if we so choose. Look for the little things that make you happy, focus on the Savior, and savor every moment of peace, love, and guidance that comes, because sometimes we have to live on those simple, quick moments for awhile.

I know that throughout all my challenges I haven't been alone even when I have felt like it, the Savior walks with me each step of the way, sometimes He carries me when I have no strength to go on. I am beyond grateful for Christ and His sacrifice, for my friends and family who let me cry on their shoulder, pray for me and check in to see how I am doing, I am especially thankful for my testimony of the gospel, because if I didn't have that, I wouldn't have the faith that better things are coming or the strength to move towards those better things. I owe my life to the Savior, I know I can never repay Him, but I hope that my love for Him and my trust and faith in Him can be enough. 

Love,

Kenzie

                                            photo from : adobe stock
                        

Here is the link to the rest of Hilary Week's song, 

https://youtu.be/VUCHWj0jvKM 

Unfairness

    I'm sure many of us have wondered and complained at one point or another how certain trials we face are unfair. I know I have many times, this past Sunday I found myself thinking those exact thoughts. I pondered on how many of my plans have not worked out, especially the past few years. I am not where I thought I would be and am definitely not where I hoped I would be. I have felt so stuck in this endless cycle of making goals that I know God approves of, getting so close to achieving them, then something comes up and drops me back down to level zero. I have questioned over and over again why I can't seem to move on with my life. Sometimes it hits me so hard that I can't help but cry and feel depressed. As these thoughts and feelings overwhelmed me Sunday afternoon, I reached out to friends to see if they were available to talk. Saying things out loud helps me relieve the burden. My friend Becca was able to talk with me over the phone. She is such an amazing, loving, caring person and I am grateful for her in my life. She recommended I read Elder Dale G. Renlund's talk from  the April 2021 General Conference. (As a side note, I've also been dealing with severe anxiety lately and a constantly racing mind, which makes it very hard to feel and hear the Spirit, simply because the mind and body are so full with all sorts of other stuff). As I read this talk tonight, I was immediately filled with the Spirit. Feeling the Spirit anytime is a wonderful experience, but it is extra special when it seems like it has been forever since you felt it last. While reading, I was hit by certain phrases and principles that have never meant as much to me as they did as I soaked in Elder Renlund's words. 

The first principle that stuck out to me was the reality of how unfair it was that Christ had to suffer the sins and pain of all mankind. However, because Christ loves us and Heavenly Father, He went through with it and because He did so, He can perfectly empathize with each of us in our times of unfairness. Which also means He has the power to provide a remedy. That remedy does not always mean He will take it away immediately. Elder Renlund explains that, "Even while we suffer inexplicably, God can bless us in simple, ordinary, and significant ways." One of the ways God has blessed me to be able to feel the Spirit lately, even for just a short time, is by calling me to teach Primary. Listening to the children sing about the gospel brings me peace that not much else has been able to. It is amazing how much faith the kids put into their voices as they sing praises to God. 

    In the scriptures it tells of ancient Israelites who complained that God treated them unfairly. In response The Christ said that a mother may forget her sucking child (which is highly unlikely), but His devotion to us is even more steadfast, because we are engraved on the palms of His hands and are always before Him. If you think about how improbable it would be for a mother to forget her child, according to this statement by the Savior (found in 1 Nephi 21: 15-16) it is completely impossible for Jesus Christ to forget us. Imagine that, we are always on His mind, when we feel abandoned, when our goals seem so far away, and even when we are angry because life is unfair, we are continually before Him and He is always aware of us and our circumstances. 

    This past Sunday a recently returned sister missionary spoke about faith. She told us that it is not enough to say we have faith and move on to other pursuits. We have to be actively practicing our faith in the way we act, live, and pray. Elder Renlund taught, "In unfair situations, one of our tasks is to trust that all that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." Trust goes hand in hand with faith, if we trust God we also have faith in Him. 

    If anyone else is a Harry Potter fan they may remember that a character named Luna Lovegood often 'lost' things. She never let it bother her and even said something along the lines of how lost things often have a way of coming back to us, though not always in the way we expect it. This goes right along with something else Elder Renlund said that really struck home tonight. He said, " If we let Him, Jesus Christ will consecrate the unfairness for our gain. He will not just console us and restore what was lost; He will use the unfairness for our benefit. When it comes to how and when, we need to recognize and accept, as did Alma, that 'it mattereth not; for God knoweth all these things; and it sufficeth me to know that this is the case.' "

    My friend Becca also reminded me that it is okay to recognize and even tell God that what we are experiencing is unfair. As long as we don't get caught up in how unfair things are, but instead ask God for help to see the good and to endure the trials. I know more trials are always ahead, but more importantly, I know that even more blessings and good things are in store for you and me. Please don't give up on yourself, or on those above who give you hope to keep going. As Elder Jeffery R. Holland has said, "Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever." I believe in you!

Love, 

Kenzie 

                                                     Picture from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

A Hug From Heaven

 For those with any kind of mental health disorder, feeling the spirit can often be hard, I'm sure there are many of you who understand that and sometimes struggle to feel God near. Lately, I've been feeling the same way. I went off a medication, per my doctor's recommendation, and have been feeling nothing but anxiety since then. I can hardly sit still to do my homework or study the scriptures and as I do those things nothing of what I read seems to stick and after I finish I have no idea what I just read. I feel almost like I have ADD, I have to be almost constantly moving and by the end of each day my body is sore and exhausted from all the physical activity I had to do to stay somewhat in control of the overwhelming feelings that fill my every waking moment. Being so full of this general anxiety that seems to be for nothing in particular, seemed to block out the spirit, not by choice, but simply because my mind is too loud for the quiet whisperings of the Holy Ghost to be heard. 

As some of you know I am moving to Logan in May and just accepted a job offer over there. I started getting nervous that these medication withdrawals would still be this severe by the time I move and start work. I didn't think I could make those big changes while feeling constantly overwhelmed with emotions, not to mention the dizziness, nausea, and occasional headaches that also plague me. Throughout all of this I continued to pray, though my prayers were short because I simply couldn't be still long enough to say everything in my heart. Tonight, I decided no matter how much I wiggled or if I stood and paced to pray, there were things weighing on my heart that only God could help me with. 

As I knelt to pray I began by telling God my worries about moving and starting a job amidst this struggle. I felt a brief sense of peace that all would be well and my excitement for this new part of my life began to return. I don't know how everything will work out or even if I will be feeling better by then, but I knew that with Christ I could it.  I also felt excited that I finally felt the spirit, after feeling like I had been without it for weeks. The second thing I prayed about stems from a self-reliance course I am taking on emotional resilience. Each week we set goals or commitments to help us better our relationship with Christ and strengthen our mental muscle. Our theme for this week is divine identity. I decided to pray and ask God how He felt about me as one of my goals. With all that I have been experiencing, seemingly without help from above, I had been feeling completely alone. As I asked my Heavenly Father how He felt about me, I felt warmth wash over me as if I was receiving a hug from Heaven and thoughts began to enter my mind, reminding me that I am God's daughter, that I am never alone, and that I am deeply loved by my Father in Heaven.

 After weeks of feeling like this trial would never end, that no one cared, and I was forever alone, a hug from Heaven is exactly what I needed to keep going. How much longer my struggles coming off the medication will last, I don't know, but I do know is that I am being watched over and God is aware of my pain. I am not alone, you are not alone, we are not alone. In Doctrine & Covenants 31:13 it reads, "Be faithful unto the end, and lo, I am with you." It is good to regularly ask God His feelings about you, if you haven't in awhile, I challenge you to do so and take time to listen to His response. 

Love,

Kenzie

                                                            Picture from Sabbath School Net

Recommitted

     How many times have you felt that your best still wasn't good enough? How often do you strive for good things only to fall short? How many times have you set good goals, but things kept happening to prevent you from achieving them? The thought came to me tonight that maybe those goals are not the right ones and maybe I am trying to work on things without the help of an all-knowing God. 

    In the book "Daily Joy" by: Russell M. Nelson, a devotional is given for each day of the year. The words for March 10th hit home. The title of the page reads, "Begin with the End" then quotes Matthew 6:33, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Having goals is a good thing, but are they the best goals you could have? Dallin H. Oaks said it best, "We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ..." Back to the daily devotional, President Nelson asks what you would want said about you at your funeral. If you could have only three sentences in your eulogy, what would you want said? He said that his three sentences would be as follows, "I was able to render service of worth to my fellowmen. I had a fine family. I evidenced unshakeable faith in God and lived accordingly." God does not care how many times we go to the gym, how far we can run, how many followers we have on Instagram, or if we have designer clothes. He cares that we are choosing the best goals and putting forth our best effort, even if that varies in degree with each day. I am reminded of the story of Martha and Mary who had invited Jesus to their home. Martha was "cumbered about much serving" while her sister Mary "sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word." Martha complained about her sister not helping her serve, Jesus complimented her for her service, but taught her that "one thing is needful; and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her (Luke 10:39-42). We will not take social media to heaven with us, nor will we take our counted steps, or our fancy clothes. What we take is our choices, our knowledge, and forgiveness offered to us through our Savior's Atonement which allows us to repent when we don't always choose the best thing. 

    How grateful I am for the chance to recommit to the Savior and His gospel as many times as I need to. I am thankful for the words of the prophets that work with the Spirit and touch my heart and mind to teach me where I went wrong and how to fix it. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ and am relieved that I can keep trying, keep changing, and keep choosing Him. 

Picture from churchofjesuschrist.org

Love,

Kenzie

The Present

 Many of you know I have dealt with seemingly unexplainable pain the last 2 1/2 years. We are finally getting answers, hopefully for good this time, by getting hip surgery soon. I have had countless people tell me how strong I am and that I am amazing because of the faith I've had through the pain. What they don't see is the numberless nights of crying and pouring my heart out to God that I can just feel better. They don't see the severe anxiety I am attacked with each evening because I still do not feel better. They don't see the amount of sleep I have to get to remain semi-functional. They don't see the effects the pain has on my mental and spiritual health. They don't see the deep desires I have to be pain free so I can move on with life, go to school, have a job, date, etc. I want to live my life so bad, but many people don't see that. 

Lately, I have broken down in tears every single night like clockwork, because the anxiety is too much to bear. I thought I was just crying because I want to feel better, but as I prayed for God to help me past this mental roadblock, I realized that the root cause of my problem is that I am living too much in the future and not living at all in the present. My life has become so dull and painful that I am not noticing the good in each day. I have become too focused on my plans for after surgery and recovery and my dreams and aspirations that I feel like I don't even exist right now. As I came to that understanding, my mom talked things over with me and I came up with some goals. Not future goals, but everyday goals. Things that will help me be present in my life right now and especially look for the good. I had always believed I was an optimist, but somehow in this mess of let downs and treatment after treatment I have shifted to a pessimist. 

I know how hard it is to change my thinking, the way of life I have been dealing with for who knows how long. I hurt in my heart thinking of how negative I have come to be and feel so empty inside because I have not been filling up with goodness and gratitude which is so vital to mental well-being. I have been praying repeatedly since recognizing my problem, that God would strengthen me so that I am able to change my thinking. That Christ would lighten my burden so I know I am not alone in fighting this negativity. I pray that I can rise above this distrust that there is anything good happening in my life. I have never realized how hard it is during trials to find things that bring me joy. I ache for the happiness God has promised me and beg that He will help me find it. I cannot express the despair I feel as I face every monotonous day and importune God for relief from this physical pain. I hate not knowing when my pain will be resolved and I despise the fact that I have become so depressed thinking nothing good is going on in my life right now. I think that the only way I will get better in all aspects of my health is to be pain free. But, how will I appreciate the future good things if I cannot acknowledge the bright happenings in the present?

I don't mean for this post to attract pity or sorrow for the things I feel and experience. Instead I hope that those who are facing similar bouts of anxiety, pessimism, and pain will know that they are not alone in feeling alone. However, the only person who knows exactly what we face, every doubt that enters our mind, every frown that touches our face, and every fear that grips our heart Christ has felt. Our Savior dropped below every conceivable experience or emotion so that WE DO NOT HAVE TO FACE OUR STRUGGLES ALONE. I invite you to reach for Christ's hand and with Him, rise up. Please listen to the song linked below about rising up.

https://youtu.be/3AnzWa4AJ1w

Picture from johnhiltoniii.com

Love,

Kenzie

Disciples of Christ

 When I was younger, I was invariably confused when church leaders would talk of apostles and disciples of Christ. I always believed they were one and the same. When I look up the definition of apostle it says that they are the chief disciples of Christ. So, what or rather who, is a disciple of Christ? According to the dictionary, a disciple of Christ is anyone who follows Him. This week in Come Follow Me we were asked to look for characteristics of disciples of Christ, so I also made that my scripture study focus this week. 

The first characteristic I found was in the first chapter of 3 Nephi. In this chapter the unbelievers decide that if the sign of Christ's birth does not happen by a certain day, then they will kill all those who believe in Christ. What I pulled from this story was how disciples of Christ believe in Him even when everyone else does not and they continue to believe in Him though facing insurmountable odds. Throughout my week I noticed a common theme in attributes that disciples of Christ should practice, that was being humble, focusing on Christ, and serving God's children, which all the other virtues point back to. Think of the first characteristic I mentioned, when we are humbly focused on Christ we know that despite any trial or temptation that comes our way, Christ will reward us for doing His work and not giving up our faith in Him. 

I think what can often happen when we decide we want to try to be more like Christ is that we start noticing all our shortcomings and get overwhelmed. One distinction of a disciple of Christ I found as I studied Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf's most recent conference talk was how we do not have to be perfect to be devoted to our Savior. We just need to have a desire to increase our faith in Him and strive to draw nearer to Him everyday. Part of doing that is inviting the power of godliness into our lives by receiving priesthood ordinances and making and keeping sacred covenants (which was a characteristic of disciples of Christ found in Elder David A. Bednar's most recent conference talk).

Though being a disciple of Jesus Christ is often not easy, if we decide that we are willing to do what it takes to keep the commandments of God, our covenants, and take Christ's name upon us, we will receive the blessings God has in store for those who aim for celestial glory. God loves us and wants us to return to Him someday, but we can't if we don't try and we can't if we don't hope. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said in our most recent conference that, "We all need to believe that what we desire in righteousness can someday, someway, somehow yet be ours." I believe that God has things prepared for each one of us that we cannot comprehend, if we choose to be a stalwart disciple of our Savior Jesus Christ. 

(Picture from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints)

Love,

Kenzie

Angels on Earth

I don't know about all of you, but I am drawn to those people who put others before themselves, who go the extra mile to help someone else even if it is completely out of their way, the people who listen to promptings immediately and in so doing bless God's children immensely. I have always aspired to be one of those people, in essence I've always aspired to be like Christ. There is something about those angels on earth that makes you want to be around them, something that makes you want to be like them, and something that makes them joyful, not just happy, but joyful. The dictionary describes the word happy as feeling pleasure or contentment. When I looked up joyful in the dictionary it showed me some similar words, such as, lighthearted, radiant, gratified, and optimistic, to name a few. So, what causes these people we call blessings to be grateful, hopeful, light, and full of joy and not just happy? The answer is simply, their dedication to serving God's children. Those who serve Heavenly Father by serving their fellow-men (and women) see life in a different manner than those focused solely on themselves. That's not to say that their life is easier than others, for often times life seems harder for those trying to follow the path God has made for us. The difference is that they don't walk in the dark. As I was reading Elder Gary E. Stevenson's talk from April's 2020 general conference, I came to the part where he quotes a family friend who had battled cancer for many years. She was asked how she still has faith with all the trials she faces. She answered with these words, "Because faith is what gets me through these dark times. Having faith doesn't mean nothing bad is going to happen. Having faith allows me to believe that there will be light again. And that light will be even brighter because I have walked through the dark. The future of this life may be unknown, but my faith is not. If I choose to not have faith then I choose to only walk in darkness. because without faith, darkness is all that is left." In an earlier conference talk the speaker talked about how one woman facing health challenges felt alone and hopeless quite often until her husband recommended they find someone to serve. As her and her family served those in their ward and community (as her health allowed) she found her faith growing stronger, she felt the Savior with her more, and she had less lonely days. Service is often how we grow our faith, and I believe as we serve, it helps others grow their faith as we act on promptings that answer their prayers. Service allows us to be a light to others so they don't have to walk in the dark by themselves, it also enables Christ to give us more light so we don't walk in the darkness by ourselves either.

How grateful I am for the many people who have paused in their busy lives to minister to me. I am thankful for the gift of the Holy Ghost which stirs my heart and gives me the opportunity to be a blessing in the lives of others. I hope and pray that I will always strive to be an instrument in God's hands in touching the lives of His children and act on every good thought I receive.

Love,
Kenzie


Picture from LDS Living