Father Knows Best

    For many with anxiety it is hard to control our thoughts and emotions sometimes. So, we try to control everything else around us. I have had this grip on what my future will be like and over and over I am disappointed. I kept wondering why would God allow so many things to get in the way of this amazing future I had planned out. I finally realized something, that is not the future God wants for me and I don't know everything. As mentioned in a previous blogpost, God is the only one who sees and knows all. Only He knows what is in store for me and how my experiences now are preparing me for that. 

    As health problems seem to continuously plague me, I finally let go of what I wanted and expected and trusted more fully in my Heavenly Father and His plan for me. Usually, when sore trials come upon me, I freak out... a lot. For the first time as tribulation descends on me, I am at peace and surprisingly enough I feel joyful. I've always been taught that if we trust in the Lord we can feel joy regardless of our circumstances. I had always prided myself on being good at trusting the Lord. Until now, I never knew how freeing letting go of my expectations and giving myself to God, could be. I think trusting the Lord can look different for everyone. For me, trusting the Lord meant releasing my grip on what I envisioned my life to be and accepting that it is God that knows best, not me. It is crazy how much pain I had to go through to learn that. It really is true what God told Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail, "All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good" (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7). President Russell M. Nelson has said, "When you know your life if being directed by God, regardless of the challenges and disappointments that may and will come, you will feel joy and peace" (Daily Joy, pg. 328).

    My very favorite singers/songwriters, Mat and Savanna Shaw sang a song together that perfectly puts my feelings about my Heavenly Father into words and they do it so beautifully. Here are some lines from the song that encapsulates what I feel as I let God guide me and let go of the idea that I can control what happens in my life. "I'd climb every mountain, swim every ocean. Just to be with you and fix what I've broken. I need you to see, you are the reason." 

Please enjoy this song by Mat and Savanna Shaw!

Love,

Kenzie

                                                         Picture taken from google images.

Our All Knowing God

 I am insignificant. No really, compared to God I am nothing, but to God I am everything. We are everything. I am often frustrated by my plans falling apart or changing over and over again. Especially when I felt God's approval about them. So why do my plans become ruined repeatedly? It is because God's plans are coming to fruition. Heavenly Father is a Being without beginning or end, He is all knowing, all seeing, and all loving. Our God is an awesome God! Can you see everything that has happened, is happening, or will ever happen? I sure can't, but I am finally at peace with that. I don't understand why things happen or don't happen in my life, but I do know that they happen because God wants us to learn and it is all part of His plan. However, God does not cause bad things to happen to us. I repeat, God does not cause bad things to happen to us. He is a God of good things. Bad things happen to us simply because we live mortal lives. Sometimes, God takes the trials from us, sometimes we have to suffer through them. Whichever is part of His plan will happen regardless of our desire to live a completely pain free life. We could not become as He and our Savior are if we did not experience pain in this life. In the book of Psalms it states, "They that sow in tears shall reap joy." In other words, we cannot know joy without knowing sorrow. Jesus Christ would not be able to know the joy of taking away our sins when we repent if He did not suffer the sorrows for those sins. Likewise, if He did not experience the pain of our trials we would not know how His healing and strengthening power and the joy that brings, feels. The small things that we are given to assist us throughout our struggles would not be there if we did not have a Savior. 

One of my favorite primary songs is called "He Sent His Son" (Children's Songbook pg. 34). The words are as follows, 

"How could the Father tell the world of love and tenderness?

 He sent his Son, a newborn babe, with peace and holiness. 

How could the Father show the world the pathway we should go?

He sent his Son to walk with men on earth, that we may know. 

How Could the Father tell the world of sacrifice, of death? 

He sent his Son to die for us and rise with living breath. 

What does the Father ask of us? 

What do the scriptures say? 

Have peace have hope live like his Son, help others on their way. 

What does he ask? 

Live like His Son."

The Savior, God's Only Begotten Son lived His life as God directed. He let God's plan work in His life. 

At one of my first girl's camps in the Corinne 2nd ward, we went on a little hike. We ended at a pile of rocks that I believe had messages written on them from past hikers. Our young women president asked us to pick up a rock we liked. I'm sure she had a story or principle she related to it, but all I remember is being asked to write on the rock we chose, the message, "Life Rocks!" It was only last year that I finally wrote that message on my rock. I never forgot where the rock came from or why I had it and even before I wrote on it, every time I looked at it, I thought of that hike and what we were supposed to remember in relation to it. There is a phrase that people sometimes say, "roll with the punches." I have never before related this to how when my plans fall apart, God's plans are still in place. Life punches me in the face sometimes as I'm sure it does all of you. One thing I am determined to hold onto and use as my 'rolling' tool is that God's plan can never be frustrated (Doctrine & Covenants 3:1). No matter how bad I think I've messed up or how hard life has hit me, God and His plan are constant. Which means, as long as I am doing my best everyday to show my devotion and love for my Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ, life truly does rock.

Love,

Kenzie

The Natural Man

 If there is one thing I learned from the past three years of being stuck at home and in lots of pain for most of that time, it is that I know how the Spirit speaks to me. However, sometimes I let my pride and the natural man inside me get in the way of my receiving promptings. Since being stuck inside for so long I felt locked in and just want to experience something completely new. I started looking into a volunteer abroad program and began praying about it. After a few days I hadn't received a yes or no so I went for it and applied, but continued to pray about it (I obviously knew it didn't feel right). Basically my mind decided that if God didn't give me an answer that must mean yes, so I was determined to do it no matter what. As I kept planning on how to raise funds and going through the application process I felt uneasy about it, but kept attributing it to nerves because I so badly wanted to see and do new things. I was pretty much sending a message to God that I didn't care what He thought about it, I was going to do it anyway. As I was talking to my mom a couple nights ago, I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace after saying out loud that I was not meant to go abroad to volunteer, but that I am meant to be here and to focus on school and healing from my injury. There was no doubt that I had gotten my answer. 

After the peace hit me, I immediately felt ashamed that I had felt confidence in my ability to recognize the Spirit, but I hadn't listened when the Spirit didn't confirm or deny if I should go abroad. I didn't wait for an answer and I didn't heed the uneasy feelings I got as I continued planning. But, most of all I was sorry that I had not trusted God enough to know He listens to my prayers, will answer them, and that He is the one who knows the path I must take to get where I need to go. 

As I studied in Alma 43 yesterday, I was struck with how Captain Moroni sent spies to follow the Lamanites, but he also sent word to the prophet, asking where God wanted them to be to best protect their people. Moroni did what he could do, but also knew that to have a complete plan he needed God on His side. I wanted God on my side which is why I kept praying even after I thought I knew the answer, my problem was that I let the natural man take control and I ignored those unsure thoughts and uneasy feelings for a few days. Moroni on the other hand, not only asked God what he should do, but had the courage to do as God directed. There is a wonderful painting by Greg Olsen which depicts the truth of Christ wanting to come to us, but we have to choose to open the door. As many of you have probably found out for yourself, that is easier said than done, but it needs to be done, over and over again simply because we are human and without Christ we would perish and not make it back to our Heavenly Home. 

Mosiah 3:19 reads, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

I believe it is often through our trials and mistakes that we learn the hardest lessons and is how we learn the most. I am grateful that no matter what dumb mistakes I make or how many times I don't open the door for Christ to come in, He and Heavenly Father still love me and help me learn the lessons I need. Because we all have the natural man or woman inside us we need the Atonement, sometimes more than we think. I am thankful that God remembers my sin no more when I sincerely repent and that I can try again and again and again. The Lord loves me, He loves you, and He loves when we repent and He is able to forgive us, because it shows Him that we love Him too. I am going to work on overcoming the natural man by tuning into the Spirit more, what can you do to show God you love Him?

Love,

Kenzie

                                                                Picture from GregOlsen.com

Feeling Lost in My World of Mental Illness

 The chorus of the hymn "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go" on page 270 of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints' hymn book reads, "I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord, Over mountain or plain or sea; I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord; I'll be what you want me to be." Has anyone ever felt like they don't know where the Lord wants them to go? It seems like the last few years I have felt like that repeatedly, as time and time again my goals are in reach then health issues strike, yanking those steps forward out from under my feet. That's all I seem to experience anymore and I am so sick of it. I am angry, frustrated, feeling stuck, and wondering if I will ever be able to move forward like I've been hoping to do for years. I am not mad at God because, as I was reminded of in institute a couple weeks ago, God doesn't make bad things happen to us. Trial and pain comes through our choices or simply because it is part of life. God lets us go through these things not out of spite or because we are bad people. It is actually the opposite. He lets us experience hard, tough, and unfair things because He loves us with an infinite love. As we face these trials we can do one of two things, harden our hearts and blame God or, turn to Him and lay our burdens at the feet of His Son. 

For those who deal with or have dealt with anxiety, they probably know that when hard things come, it is hard not to question everything you thought you knew. In fact, I have found it impossible to not do so. Though I feel like it isn't really me, because deep in my heart and mind I know what I know and I know that God knows it too. However, it is difficult to believe I know those things in my heart when all I hear repeatedly in my head is that I must be doing something wrong since nothing in my life seems to go right or at least how I think it should go. Many people might not know this, but when depression tries to drown me, or my mind won't slow down, or the only thoughts and feelings I have are anxiety ridden ones, it is extremely difficult to feel the Spirit. No matter how much I pray, study the scriptures, or try to connect with God, those thoughts and feelings of anxiety or depression, more often than not, don't leave room for anything else. It isn't impossible to notice the Holy Ghost, but those times are rare when my mental health is not optimal. The times I feel the Spirit the most are when I am sitting in primary with my class, listening to all the primary kids sweetly singing their testimonies. Many people I know say primary is one of the easiest places to feel the spirit, obviously primary only comes once a week, so sometimes I don't seem to feel the Spirit until the next Sunday, depending on how the rest of the week went. I hope from that explanation you understand why I find it so hard to know if I am doing the right things now and if I am pursuing the right path

Mental health illnesses are no joke and it is frustrating when people say they are sorry that I suffer with it and then follow up with "I hope you feel better." I know it comes out of compassion, but no one can just feel better from a mental illness. The majority of these illnesses are life long. Many people are on medication for them for most of their lives, some people regularly see a therapist, some people need both, and others quit trying to reach their goals or make progress because it feels like more than they can handle. Yes, I  have a lot of good days, I also have really bad days, there are also times when months go by when I am tired all the time because of the strain poor mental health puts on my body. Often people remind me to rely on the Savior and things will be better. What they don't understand or don't know, is that it is very rare that things get better the moment you start relying on the Savior. Personally, I think I am good at relying on the Savior all the time, not just during trials. People might ask, if I am always relying on the Savior why do you still suffer so much? Honestly, I don't understand it either, but I do know that the only things that keep me going are the little moments of peace and love I feel here and there and the knowledge I have that those small reminders will keep coming until I am not daily struggling to feel close to God, because then I can feel Him near always, when my mind has quieted and there is room for Him again.  

Being mentally ill is never something anyone willingly chooses. I have often heard that those who suffer from a mental illness are allowed to suffer as they do because God knows they are the only ones who can handle it. I know that usually during the hardest moments of struggle I feel the furthest thing from strong, but that is when I have to trust in the Savior's strength more than ever, because somethings you simply cannot do alone. However, Christ is not going to do all the work. I have to do my part, just as you all have to do yours. For me, that includes seeing a psychiatrist to help on the medicine side of things (I am looking for a new one, so if anyone has recommendations please let me know), it has included therapy in the past, life coaching more recently, and letting my emotions out through words and tears. Releasing my emotions in this way is something that has improved my relationship with God, has allowed those who care about me to comfort me, and has allowed me to love and trust those I confide in more.

To make my point I would like to quote words of a song by: Hilary Weeks called "Love Your Life." She begins my singing these words, "Life isn't easy, I wish I could say it was, but if we will let it, time will teach us." Hard things come for us to learn from, grow in, and to let us know God better if we so choose. Look for the little things that make you happy, focus on the Savior, and savor every moment of peace, love, and guidance that comes, because sometimes we have to live on those simple, quick moments for awhile.

I know that throughout all my challenges I haven't been alone even when I have felt like it, the Savior walks with me each step of the way, sometimes He carries me when I have no strength to go on. I am beyond grateful for Christ and His sacrifice, for my friends and family who let me cry on their shoulder, pray for me and check in to see how I am doing, I am especially thankful for my testimony of the gospel, because if I didn't have that, I wouldn't have the faith that better things are coming or the strength to move towards those better things. I owe my life to the Savior, I know I can never repay Him, but I hope that my love for Him and my trust and faith in Him can be enough. 

Love,

Kenzie

                                            photo from : adobe stock
                        

Here is the link to the rest of Hilary Week's song, 

https://youtu.be/VUCHWj0jvKM 

Unfairness

    I'm sure many of us have wondered and complained at one point or another how certain trials we face are unfair. I know I have many times, this past Sunday I found myself thinking those exact thoughts. I pondered on how many of my plans have not worked out, especially the past few years. I am not where I thought I would be and am definitely not where I hoped I would be. I have felt so stuck in this endless cycle of making goals that I know God approves of, getting so close to achieving them, then something comes up and drops me back down to level zero. I have questioned over and over again why I can't seem to move on with my life. Sometimes it hits me so hard that I can't help but cry and feel depressed. As these thoughts and feelings overwhelmed me Sunday afternoon, I reached out to friends to see if they were available to talk. Saying things out loud helps me relieve the burden. My friend Becca was able to talk with me over the phone. She is such an amazing, loving, caring person and I am grateful for her in my life. She recommended I read Elder Dale G. Renlund's talk from  the April 2021 General Conference. (As a side note, I've also been dealing with severe anxiety lately and a constantly racing mind, which makes it very hard to feel and hear the Spirit, simply because the mind and body are so full with all sorts of other stuff). As I read this talk tonight, I was immediately filled with the Spirit. Feeling the Spirit anytime is a wonderful experience, but it is extra special when it seems like it has been forever since you felt it last. While reading, I was hit by certain phrases and principles that have never meant as much to me as they did as I soaked in Elder Renlund's words. 

The first principle that stuck out to me was the reality of how unfair it was that Christ had to suffer the sins and pain of all mankind. However, because Christ loves us and Heavenly Father, He went through with it and because He did so, He can perfectly empathize with each of us in our times of unfairness. Which also means He has the power to provide a remedy. That remedy does not always mean He will take it away immediately. Elder Renlund explains that, "Even while we suffer inexplicably, God can bless us in simple, ordinary, and significant ways." One of the ways God has blessed me to be able to feel the Spirit lately, even for just a short time, is by calling me to teach Primary. Listening to the children sing about the gospel brings me peace that not much else has been able to. It is amazing how much faith the kids put into their voices as they sing praises to God. 

    In the scriptures it tells of ancient Israelites who complained that God treated them unfairly. In response The Christ said that a mother may forget her sucking child (which is highly unlikely), but His devotion to us is even more steadfast, because we are engraved on the palms of His hands and are always before Him. If you think about how improbable it would be for a mother to forget her child, according to this statement by the Savior (found in 1 Nephi 21: 15-16) it is completely impossible for Jesus Christ to forget us. Imagine that, we are always on His mind, when we feel abandoned, when our goals seem so far away, and even when we are angry because life is unfair, we are continually before Him and He is always aware of us and our circumstances. 

    This past Sunday a recently returned sister missionary spoke about faith. She told us that it is not enough to say we have faith and move on to other pursuits. We have to be actively practicing our faith in the way we act, live, and pray. Elder Renlund taught, "In unfair situations, one of our tasks is to trust that all that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." Trust goes hand in hand with faith, if we trust God we also have faith in Him. 

    If anyone else is a Harry Potter fan they may remember that a character named Luna Lovegood often 'lost' things. She never let it bother her and even said something along the lines of how lost things often have a way of coming back to us, though not always in the way we expect it. This goes right along with something else Elder Renlund said that really struck home tonight. He said, " If we let Him, Jesus Christ will consecrate the unfairness for our gain. He will not just console us and restore what was lost; He will use the unfairness for our benefit. When it comes to how and when, we need to recognize and accept, as did Alma, that 'it mattereth not; for God knoweth all these things; and it sufficeth me to know that this is the case.' "

    My friend Becca also reminded me that it is okay to recognize and even tell God that what we are experiencing is unfair. As long as we don't get caught up in how unfair things are, but instead ask God for help to see the good and to endure the trials. I know more trials are always ahead, but more importantly, I know that even more blessings and good things are in store for you and me. Please don't give up on yourself, or on those above who give you hope to keep going. As Elder Jeffery R. Holland has said, "Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever." I believe in you!

Love, 

Kenzie 

                                                     Picture from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

A Hug From Heaven

 For those with any kind of mental health disorder, feeling the spirit can often be hard, I'm sure there are many of you who understand that and sometimes struggle to feel God near. Lately, I've been feeling the same way. I went off a medication, per my doctor's recommendation, and have been feeling nothing but anxiety since then. I can hardly sit still to do my homework or study the scriptures and as I do those things nothing of what I read seems to stick and after I finish I have no idea what I just read. I feel almost like I have ADD, I have to be almost constantly moving and by the end of each day my body is sore and exhausted from all the physical activity I had to do to stay somewhat in control of the overwhelming feelings that fill my every waking moment. Being so full of this general anxiety that seems to be for nothing in particular, seemed to block out the spirit, not by choice, but simply because my mind is too loud for the quiet whisperings of the Holy Ghost to be heard. 

As some of you know I am moving to Logan in May and just accepted a job offer over there. I started getting nervous that these medication withdrawals would still be this severe by the time I move and start work. I didn't think I could make those big changes while feeling constantly overwhelmed with emotions, not to mention the dizziness, nausea, and occasional headaches that also plague me. Throughout all of this I continued to pray, though my prayers were short because I simply couldn't be still long enough to say everything in my heart. Tonight, I decided no matter how much I wiggled or if I stood and paced to pray, there were things weighing on my heart that only God could help me with. 

As I knelt to pray I began by telling God my worries about moving and starting a job amidst this struggle. I felt a brief sense of peace that all would be well and my excitement for this new part of my life began to return. I don't know how everything will work out or even if I will be feeling better by then, but I knew that with Christ I could it.  I also felt excited that I finally felt the spirit, after feeling like I had been without it for weeks. The second thing I prayed about stems from a self-reliance course I am taking on emotional resilience. Each week we set goals or commitments to help us better our relationship with Christ and strengthen our mental muscle. Our theme for this week is divine identity. I decided to pray and ask God how He felt about me as one of my goals. With all that I have been experiencing, seemingly without help from above, I had been feeling completely alone. As I asked my Heavenly Father how He felt about me, I felt warmth wash over me as if I was receiving a hug from Heaven and thoughts began to enter my mind, reminding me that I am God's daughter, that I am never alone, and that I am deeply loved by my Father in Heaven.

 After weeks of feeling like this trial would never end, that no one cared, and I was forever alone, a hug from Heaven is exactly what I needed to keep going. How much longer my struggles coming off the medication will last, I don't know, but I do know is that I am being watched over and God is aware of my pain. I am not alone, you are not alone, we are not alone. In Doctrine & Covenants 31:13 it reads, "Be faithful unto the end, and lo, I am with you." It is good to regularly ask God His feelings about you, if you haven't in awhile, I challenge you to do so and take time to listen to His response. 

Love,

Kenzie

                                                            Picture from Sabbath School Net

Recommitted

     How many times have you felt that your best still wasn't good enough? How often do you strive for good things only to fall short? How many times have you set good goals, but things kept happening to prevent you from achieving them? The thought came to me tonight that maybe those goals are not the right ones and maybe I am trying to work on things without the help of an all-knowing God. 

    In the book "Daily Joy" by: Russell M. Nelson, a devotional is given for each day of the year. The words for March 10th hit home. The title of the page reads, "Begin with the End" then quotes Matthew 6:33, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Having goals is a good thing, but are they the best goals you could have? Dallin H. Oaks said it best, "We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ..." Back to the daily devotional, President Nelson asks what you would want said about you at your funeral. If you could have only three sentences in your eulogy, what would you want said? He said that his three sentences would be as follows, "I was able to render service of worth to my fellowmen. I had a fine family. I evidenced unshakeable faith in God and lived accordingly." God does not care how many times we go to the gym, how far we can run, how many followers we have on Instagram, or if we have designer clothes. He cares that we are choosing the best goals and putting forth our best effort, even if that varies in degree with each day. I am reminded of the story of Martha and Mary who had invited Jesus to their home. Martha was "cumbered about much serving" while her sister Mary "sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word." Martha complained about her sister not helping her serve, Jesus complimented her for her service, but taught her that "one thing is needful; and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her (Luke 10:39-42). We will not take social media to heaven with us, nor will we take our counted steps, or our fancy clothes. What we take is our choices, our knowledge, and forgiveness offered to us through our Savior's Atonement which allows us to repent when we don't always choose the best thing. 

    How grateful I am for the chance to recommit to the Savior and His gospel as many times as I need to. I am thankful for the words of the prophets that work with the Spirit and touch my heart and mind to teach me where I went wrong and how to fix it. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ and am relieved that I can keep trying, keep changing, and keep choosing Him. 

Picture from churchofjesuschrist.org

Love,

Kenzie